Less Swearing This Time

I admit that when I write about politics on this blog there isn't a whole lot of nuance but there is a lot of swearing aimed at republican politicians and Bush in particular. I take the point that there is emotion and anger without much substantive analysis. When it comes to Bush, as I've said, I don't really think that much needs to be said and anything I say will be nothing new. Let's see...Iraq. Even if there was nothing else negative to say about his administration, the quagmire in Iraq would be enough to bias me completely against it. They lied to create fear and compliance in our populace. The argument about "WMD" was just a rationalization for an aggressive war of choice. I have heard many arguments about why we invaded but the only one that makes any sense to me is "because we felt like it." If history has taught us anything about war, it should be that it is a last resort because once it starts, everything changes.

Then there is the record of torture, secrecy, anti-environmental policies, etc. As I already said, the list of bad things about these guys is manifold and I don't think I really need to make any arguments about why I am rationally justified in my anti-Bushism. To me the justification is self evident.

I will concede that my ad hominem attacks on the current batch of Republican candidates comes across as crass and unnecessary. And it is unnecessary. And it is crass. But, again, I don't really need to have an internal Socratic dialog in order to justify to myself why I don't like any of them. And I don't like any of them. Not even a little bit. There are certain issues that I cannot compromise my views about. One of them is the matter of abortion. I believe that women should have access to abortions. I don't like abortion but whether or not I like it, it is important for people to decide if and when they will be pregnant. That is how I believe and I don't think I can be dissuaded of this belief which I have come to rationally. When it comes down to it, people are going to get pregnant who do not want to have children and a percentage of those people will wish to end the pregnancy whether or not abortion is legal. They always have and they always will. It just makes sense that people should have the ability to have an abortion without unduly risking their lives. I wish this weren't such a divisive issue but it is and I have my position. This certainly isn't the most important thing to me but it sure is to a lot of people out there. And since I believe in legal abortion, that makes only one of the Republicans out there even remotely acceptable and that's Rudy Giuliani. And there is no way I would support that guy.

I feel compelled to say that abortion is not the reason why I can't really give thought to any Republican candidates but that it serves as a useful example of why I cannot give them more than a cursory appraisal as to their worthiness of my vote.

I am having trouble with the Democratic candidates though. I believe that the top three, Clinton, Edwards, and Obama (listed alphabetically) would each be a better president than the current one. But no matter who it would wind up being he/she is going to inherit a bunch of problems, especially Iraq. There are no good choices there. If we leave, blood bath. If we stay, lots of blood. Anything in between, still lots of blood. And where we are now is why we should have never gone in in the first place. This is exactly why we shouldn't have wars of choice. Or if we do, do it in a jerky international muscle flexing kind of way like in Granada, Panama, and Kosovo. At least in those situations we didn't tear the entire fabrics of those places apart. Anyway, that is beside the point. Back to the Democrats...

Clinton. I have a visceral negative reaction to Hillary Clinton. I see her pretty much as most of her political adversaries see her, calculating, insincere, concerned more with winning than in having beliefs. Those are all high negatives but her policies are closer to mine than are any of the Republican candidates. I will vote for her if she is the candidate but like a lot of liberals I will be holding my nose. On the other hand, I am excited to see a woman with a real chance to win.

Edwards. Yeah, he seems slick. Yeah, he gets $400 hair cuts. Yeah, he is super rich. But his rhetoric lines up closer to where I am than any of the other candidates. I wouldn't mind the lack of a southern accent in our next president, but if there has to be, I hope it is from this man. Also, he had a sweet mustache. He won't be the nominee. That's too bad.

Obama. The main negatives on this guy seem to be that he is untested and lacks experience. I am tempted to go along with this line but the other two front runners don't really have a whole lot more "experience." I tend not to really see experience as being that important. Then again, Bush didn't have much experience either and look where that got us. Hmm...must think about this. I am inspired by his speeches. Good speech giving has gone by the wayside in the last fifty years and it is exciting to hear passion. As with Clinton, I am excited to see an African-American with a real chance to win.

And I guess that just about does it. I don't see politics as personal and I certainly regret coming across as if I am attacking anyone that I care about. But the reality is that some of these things make serious impacts on peoples' lives. This war is the biggest mistake in my lifetime. I can't treat it as if it is a difference of opinion on tax policy or school vouchers. It is serious and thousands of people are paying the price. It is a tragedy that our country could have and should have prevented.

P.S. My birthday is coming up in a few more days. OMG!!! I'll B 28 LOL!!

Now a Good Thing

In the past couple of years a new type of plastic wrapping has become prevalent in the frozen pizza market. It is two pieces of plastic that have a pull apart tab. It is pure genius and I love not having to use a knife or scissors or fumble with it and mess up all the toppings.

P.S. I am lazy.

Update!


I was considering not going to my class today. Just checked my email and class is canceled. What a great day!

I'm Annoyed Today

I guess I'm just annoyed today. So I decided to take out a little hate.

Look at this fucking asshole. What a dick. I can't wait for him to get out of office. He is the worst president of all time. Even worse than Reagan! And Reagan had Alzheimer' disease when he was in office. And he didn't win the Cold War even though millions of misguided people believe he did. It isn't like he punched Josef Stalin and Karl Marx in their faces or anything. It also isn't like he fought in WWII or anything. And anyway, he wasn't even in office when the Soviet Union fell.

Anyway, back to the current asshole. He is trying to pass himself off these days as Harry Truman because of the unpopular war. Excuse me, Mr. President, but that's a stretch. I don't have to say why because anyone who still likes this guy won't listen anyway. People say that Bush haters are wrong because of their hatred. Sorry, but I wasn't born hating him. In fact, a mere eight years ago I barely even knew who he was. But now I hate him. I guess it must be because I'm an irrational hater. Or maybe he's a fucking asshole. I think it is the second. And thanks all you people who voted for him in 2000. And thank you even more all you people who voted for him in 2004.

Let's get out a little more anger...

All the Republican candidates are horrible.

• Rudy Giuliani: Fascist Asshole
  
• John McCain: "Straight Talking" Asshole
  
• Mike Huckabee: Theocratic Asshole
  
• Fred Thompson: Old Asshole
  
• Mitt Romney: Robotic Asshole (ewww)
  
• I'm sure there are some other ones and I bet they are all ASSSSSSHOOOOLLLESSSSSSS!
  

Check this craziness from Huckabee:

At a Michigan campaign event last night, Mike Huckabee gave an interesting reason for why he wants to amend the Constitution to ban both abortion and gay marriage: Otherwise, the Constitution would be in conflict with God.


Huckabee first observed that some of his opponents don't want to amend the Constitution on both of these topics. "But I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God," Huckabee said. "And that's what we need to do, is to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards."

Are these people serious? What the hell is wrong with this country that people think they can get elected saying bullshit like this? Oh right. Because it works.

Did I say "thanks" to you people who voted for him? Because if I didn't, thanks guys.

Tickets!

Only losers complain about what dick faces parking enforcement officers are.

That said, some people who work as parking enforcement officers are dick faces. My mom and I went to her credit union to open me an account and as we left a meter maid who was giving someone else a ticket stopped us, got all punitive and then gave us a ticket because and only because she had the power. Sure, the meter was expired and she had the right to ticket, but she did it purely because she had the power and wanted to exercise it. My mom got mad (so did I) and the lady had the gall to say that she deals with people a lot and she could tell that we were looking down on her. Talk about projection. Jesus, she was being a douche. That's it.

Like I said, she had the right to ticket, but she had a dick face attitude.

And only losers complain about parking enforcement.

My Candidate, Magnum P.I.

John and Elizabeth Edwards. Go John! Maybe you should re-grow the mustache.

FYI

My armpits smell like beef stew. Yum.

So I Was Wrong

Turns out I'm not quite the prognosticator that I thought. Well, honestly, I never thought I was a prognosticator, but I did make some predictions about the Iowa caucuses. I predicted Edwards, Clinton, Obama for the dems. Turns out it was Obama, Clinton, Edwards. And Obama killed. That's ok by me because I live in Oregon...one of the last primary states.

And when it comes to the republicans...well, I don't really give a shit. But Huckabee won. He has zero chance. And if he winds up their nominee, doesn't matter. It could be Jeebus and the Republicans would still lose. I guarantee it.

The Great Fezmono Predicts!

The Iowa caucuses are about to start. My predictions for winners are:

Democrats:
1) Edwards
2) Clinton
3) Obama

Republicans:
1) Romney
2) Huckabee
3) McCain

So there you have it. Probably way wrong.

Dude, Enough Already!

This real ad from Giuliani should be funny but it is terrifying. And I'm not afraid of those "Islamofascists" but rather the American fascists who made this and to whom it appeals. Enjoy:

A List of Things

Here are some things that I want for the new year (2008, just in case you aren't sure):

Regularly write in my blog.

Read more.

Finally get a job in architecture.

Dress better.

Finally get my DVR/computer thing working properly.

Along those lines, finally get my own internet access and a little cable tv.

Do some dating.

Take more photos.

Maybe start video recording more things.

Get the Smit family tree done.

Plan a trip to Europe for 2008 or 2009.

Here are some things that are definitely happening in the new year:

Turn 28.

Graduate from school.

As for the moment, the weather sucks. Raining and cold. I don't have any money. Not a lot to do. But I am going to go to the gym today so that's a good thing.

2008

Happy New Year!

I decided to stay home tonight and it is just like any other night. Kind of nice.

Yay TeeVee

I just turned on the teevee and "To Catch A Predator" is on. It is a horrible thing and I can't believe that I actually feel sorry for pedophiles.

But when they arrest the guys after they leave the house, why in god's name to they point guns at them? It just seems so unnecessary.

Merry Everyone

So, I guess yesterday was Christmas. And the day before was Christmas Eve. There were lots of good things about the holiday but I think one of the most exciting is that we got some snow. It didn't stay long, but long enough that I took some pictures. Sadly the snow didn't really last and by the time we left my uncle's house, it was pretty much all melted.

But, get this, they are saying that in the morning we could be having all kinds of snow. I really hope we do because it makes me all giddy and childlike.

I was given way more presents than I really need or deserve but some people (like me) are really lucky to have people who spoil them. And really, that's what it is, spoiling. But I really do appreciate all that my mom, dad, and grandma do for me and my sister on Christmas.

The top picture is on the side yard of my uncle's house. And the picture off to the side is something a lot funnier. There is this house that every year I look at with a mixture of amusement and horror. It is this gothic brick mansion. Looks completely ridiculous but that is part of its questionable charm.

So on Christmas Eve we went over to a family friends' house for what's become a traditional party. Some of the people at said event kind of weird me out but in general it is a great time. Then we went back to my mom and Susan's house where we opened up some of the previously mentioned gift windfall. My mom bought a bunch of things from the Portland Mercury auction so I guess she's telling me that I need to be more of a hipster. 2007, the year my 50+ mother told her nearly 28 year old son that he needs to be cooler.

After the gift exchange Mom and Susan took my sister home and I stayed at their house and popped on the tv. "Bad Santa" was on Comedy Central and I watched it for a while but I gotta say, not the best movie to play on a network on which they can't say "fuck" or "shit" or "fuck me, Santa" or all kinds of other things. Especially "fuck me, Santa."

Anyway, I stayed overnight at my mom and Susan's and it was really nice. After our traditional breakfast and stockings, my dad came to pick us up to go to my grandma's for even more presents. I don't really want to go into what all I was given, but it was a lot and as I grow up I become a little more self-conscious about how much people spend on me during the holidays. That isn't to say that I don't appreciate it. If anything, I appreciate it more. It is just that I know the value of a dollar more than I used to.

We then braved the weather, that dangerous rain with some snow mixed in to go up to my uncle's house where we had perhaps the smallest family Christmas ever. But it was also a good one. All the older generation is getting old so things are in a state of flux. We are going to have to figure out what we are going to do in the future.

Dinner was great. Company was great. It was all fun.

Then my sister and I met up with some people for drinks. What a nice holiday.

Time To Start Talking About Politics And Religion! Let's Get Personal!

I gotta say something here. OK, my cousin wrote in my comments: "I think people hate Romney for the same reason that Homer hates Flanders." I take this comment to mean, "people hate Romney because of his religion." Sorry, but I don't buy it. As I said to Dan in his comments, I like Harry Reid, the Democratic majority leader in the Senate. And...whoa, he's a Mormon! Holy Shit, turns out I like a Mormon politician and so do a bunch of people. And he's from Nevada, the home of legalized gambling and prostitution. Boy, Mormons sure have it rough. I have been reading here and there about Romney and any time someone criticizes his religion (which is completely valid) comments come out of the woodwork bemoaning how unfair the world is to Mormons. Mormonism is characterized by its believers being in the world but not of the world or something like that. Sorry, but you can't say, "we are different but we demand that you ignore that difference when it suits us."

And anyway, I don't dislike Romney because he is too different. I dislike Romney because he is just more of the same.

Poopoo and Peepee

Well, it has been a long-ass hell of a time since I’ve written a post but I’ve been wanting to, I just haven’t really felt like I had anything to say. However, not having anything to say shouldn’t stop me; it certainly doesn’t stop a lot of people both on and offline. So here goes…

My life is quite mundane these days. I am on Christmas vacation at the moment and I don’t have a job. That means I literally have nothing that I’m obligated to do. That means I don’t really do anything. I’ve discovered something about myself that I’ve known but not acknowledged for a long time, that is I have an extraordinarily high idleness threshold. I can do practically nothing for days on end, not interacting with people and not accomplishing much more than relieving my bladder and bowels. Oh, “too much information,” or “TMI” you may exclaim but to you exclaimers I say, don’t be so exclaimy. Meanwhile my friends and family are falling in and out of love, going to and quitting their jobs, running errands, being happy or sad, but me, I’m none of those things. I just am. For some reason I have developed a numbness to the world that is a little unsettling. That it unsettles me indicates that I’m not fully numb which makes me feel something good, that’s good, right? I can’t really tell. I don’t really want to explore this issue too terribly much so I think I’ll stop the subject right there.

On Sunday my mom and I took her dog for a good long walk. It was nice and enjoyable. We then went to her house and decorated her Christmas tree and hung garland in the living and dining rooms. Decorating a tree is an important annual tradition for me and I think I have to do it. I’ve done it twice this year, once for my mom and once for my grandma. It is very satisfying to look at a decked out tree and know that I did it. This morning my mom picked me up and we went to Edelweiss deli where we bought assorted meats. Although I am not German it feels kind of nice to be connected in a small way to my European heritage. It is cute to hear people speaking in German at the store, both employees and patrons. Sometimes I forget that there is still active immigration to this country from Europe. Why anyone would want to come here from Europe is another question altogether and one I’m clearly unqualified to answer.

I am on track to graduate in June with my bachelor of architecture degree so in principle that’s exciting. I’m not excited about it, however. It is just another thing. Architecture may not be what I really want to do. But do I really want to do anything? Good question. But since I have to do something, architecture seems like a pretty damn good thing to do.

So, how about the primaries, huh? I sure don’t like those Republican candidates. Giuliani: fascist. Romney: orange and asshole. Huckabee: southern Baptist minister who terrifies the shit out of me despite the fact that he’s pretty funny in interviews. And I guess that’s all of them that deserve a quick dismissal from me. Oh yeah, and Thompson: face melting. As far as the Democrats go, I have to admit, I really like Edwards but he seems to have no chance. I also like Obama and the fact that he used to do drugs on occasion makes me happy. It isn’t like they all haven’t done drugs, except for Romney, he’s pure as the driven snow. And Clinton certainly isn’t my choice but she’s better than any of the horrible Republicans out there. I mean, seriously, how come all the Republicans are such fucking scary sons of bitches? My cousin seems to think that Clinton’s looks are vomit inducing. I happen to disagree and think she is aging fairly gracefully. I also think that Romney is orange and that is more terrifying than any wrinkles. Did I mention that I don’t like Romney. I mean, I don’t like any of them, but he’s a total douche. And I don’t have to back it up. Because this is my house. ‘Sup! You want some?

Didn’t think so.

Anyway, I guess that’s enough for now. Maybe I’ll write again. I sure hope so. I think it is making me feel something. But it is pain and sadness. No. It really isn’t. It is actually good. I feel pretty good.

And hung over, but that is another issue.

UPDATE:

My characterization of Giuliani as a fascist certainly isn't groundbreaking but I'd like to point out that even people who I think are crazy think he's a fascist.

That proves everything I say is true.

A Trip!

I'm getting excited. My mom and her wife have been living in Toronto over the past couple of months and on Friday I am going to visit. I've been before, but I was 18 or something like that and I just realized that was nearly a decade ago! Holy crap, I'm getting old. But I don't really know much about Toronto. I know it is big and cultured, but that's about it. I guess for the next week I'm going to bone up on my Toronto knowledge. I absolutely enjoy not having a plan but I also enjoy having some knowledge about the place I'm going to visit. Like last summer, when I went to Boston, one of the best things that I did was to go to Mt. Auburn Cemetery in Cambridge. I would have never known about it had I not done research.

Speaking of getting old, I had some drinks on Friday with one of my best friends from high school. We haven't really kept in touch over the years but it was really great to see him. I can't believe that he's married and that his uptight ass wound up getting married in Las Vegas of all places. And he has five pets! I guess his wife has loosened him up a bit. That is good.

I've got Top Chef on in the background. It is really cool. I sometimes fantasize about being back in a kitchen and really learning the ropes. That'll never happen. But I love cooking. I want some delicious food in my mouth right now.

Rolly Polly

I can finally admit it to myself, I'm chunky and out of shape. But! Things are about to change! Luckily I'm not too far out of shape that I can't get back there pretty soon. I'm going to be in my friend's wedding this summer so if I get in shape by then I'll be able seduce some of the bridesmaids. Then, when I go to Hawaii this Thanksgiving time, I'll be all ripped and sexy.

Well, at least within the limits of my facial attractiveness. Not too much I can do with that nightmare!

Rant!

At the risk of being a hypocrite, I need to say that I hate people who go on self-described "rants." I have the tv on and I flipped the channel to comedy central and the end of the painful "Mind of Mencia" was on. And they were promoting this stupid website feature where stupid assholes can post their own video rants and be edgy, just like Carlos Mencia, who is crazy like Budweiser is the king of beers...because he says so.

And that's my opinion on rants. Basically about people who talk about how edgy they are, like that Mencia guy, that Dennis Miller guy, that Dane Cook guy, and so on.

I'm Done With Eugene!

After nearly three years in Eugene, Oregon, I am back in my hometown, Portland. I hate the city of Eugene, but I have many fond memories from school and the friends I made there. I am spending the next six weeks at my mom's house where my sister is also staying while the homeowners are in Toronto, Ontario. This summer I will spend doing yard work, odd jobs, and painting my grandma's house. I can't wait to be away from school. I have been in school for every term for the past three years. I can't imagine not having to worry about that. And hopefully, I will miss school by the end of the summer.

A good plan...

Right?

Trippy, Man!

How much more college can I get? I spent a few hours yesterday sitting in a local park reading Hegel's Phenomenology of Spirit. I have rarely felt so connected to my identity as a college student than I did yesterday.

Then I played frisbee.

I Learned Something Today...

If you run out of dishwashing detergent, don't use the kind of soap you would use to wash dishes by hand.

Good thing I was in the kitchen!

Republican Debate!

I love watching Fox News Channel but unfortunately I don't have cable. So I get to take advantage of great websites such as newshounds and crooksandliars. Crooks and Liars had some pretty interesting clips from last night's Republican debate. Looks like Ron Paul is shaping up to be every non-Republican's favorite Republican candidate. He's certainly mine. Of course, he is a libertarian and, as such, I disagree with much of his stands on government's role in our lives but I strongly agree with what he has to say regarding our never-ending "War on Terror." Last night he said that 9/11 was blowback due to our policies in the Middle East. That seems pretty obvious to me but in the modern Republican party it is like saying the earth is orbits the sun in the middle of an inquisition. Check out Paul sounding rational, then Rudy whipping out his 9/11 credentials and calling Paul absurd. The most striking thing to me is the crowd's response, it is sickening.

Unfortunately, these days, attributing any sort of rationality to terrorism is a political death sentence.

They hate our freedom!

Yaaaayyyyyy!!!!

Anyone who doesn't think that is a pussy!

Yaaaaayyyy!!

And a traitor!

Yaaaayyy!!!

How can you argue with that? You certainly can't. And that's the beauty of it. I think that Giuliani is the most dangerous Republican candidate. He has a strong chance of being nominated and elected. But he's the most fascistic one out there and he always has been.

Just One Month to Go!

Well, here I am. About done with my third year of school and my last year in Eugene. In a month and two days I'll be out of here. Difficult to imagine. What's even more difficult to imagine is the idea that I'll actually miss it here. Not so much that I'll wish I could be back but I will miss certain things. Low rent. School friends. That's pretty much all I can think of at the moment but I know there will be things that blindside me. Like I said, difficult to imagine.

I'm looking for apartments on craigslist.com and so far have found some potential leads. Even one building that I used to live in seven years ago. Yowza! I should be able to find a decent enough place that I can afford. I just have to get used to small. Along those lines, I need to get rid of a bunch of stuff. I am thinking about organizing a little sale as I have far too many things and even now not enough space to hold them. I can only imagine how little space I'll have when I finally move into my new apartment. But getting rid of things is good. I certainly don't need everything that I own. TV, DVD player, VCR...all that stuff is pretty much obsolete. I have a computer, why could I possibly still require a TV? Of course, that brings up the question of whether or not anyone ever requires a TV, but I'm thinking much more practically than theoretically.

So this is it. This is what I've been wanting for the last two and a half years. Better make it happen!

Just A Little Update

School keeps going. I feel like I did at the end of high school...tired of school. I guess you could say I have a bad case of senioritis. Unlike high school, though, I have to pull myself out of it and get back on the ball. I think I can do it. I know I can do it. The past two days I had two tests. I think I did well on them. That is a good thing. I need to make sure to keep making progress on my studio project. Today is as good a day as any to make some good progress. And then at the end of this school year I'm going back to Portland and finishing up there. That is something to shoot for. I love Portland so much. I can't undermine myself.

Today is Valentine's. I gotta say, this is the absolute best time to be single. I hate Valentine's Day when I am in a relationship. Too much effing pressure. Today I get to have just another day. Ha ha, all you suckers!

I am listening to the president having a press conference right now. He makes me sick.

Oh yeah, and today is the anniversary of Oregon being admitted to the union. February 14, 1859. Sometimes I wish we could get out. Especially when I listen to the damn president. What an asshole.

Last week I finished up my sixth design studio. I only have four more to do before I graduate. That is really amazing to think about.

In about an hour I'm getting together with a school buddy to work on a project for structures. We have to build towers out of little pieces of wood and string. Then on Tuesday we are going to test them in the class. It should be really fun and theatrical. Early in the term we built tent models in groups and then we tested them against the wind with leaf blowers. The teachers got super into it. They had a video feed to a projector so that everyone could see and it was all accompanied by dramatic music. Unfortunately, my grade in structures is quite poor so I may get to do it all again next year. I hope not though. The tower is worth a bunch of points and there is still another test on Thursday. I think I'll be able to pull it out (tee hee. I bet a lot of peoples' dads have said that).

Douchebags on Parade!

CNN's Glenn Beck!

What a douchebag.

Thanksgiving!

My favorite celebration in the holiday pantheon is in a mere two days! Thanksgiving day. A day to eat lots of delicious food and bask in the warmth of my family and friends. As I grow up things like that mean more and more to me. When I was younger I much preferred the excitement of Christmas (because of Jesus, not presents. OK, because of presents) and to a lesser extent my birthday (only because of presents though since the day is a month after Christmas I unjustifiably felt I was getting screwed out of more loot). Now, though, I can pretty much get for myself the material goods that I want and I'm only about 98% as selfish as I was when ten, so that lessens the importance of Christmas in my life. And my birthday has nearly no importance because I don't usually have parties as self-aggrandizement isn't my style, I am more the humble greatness kind of guy. I'm much too good to try and convince people how good I am by throwing myself parties. I mean, god, some people just don't have the humility that I do.

So that brings me back to Thanksgiving. Ever since 1999, our uniquely American holiday has been the tops in my book. That was the first time that I remember Thanksgiving being a fucking blast. My aunt and uncle from Germany were there, their friends from Utah with their adorable kids, my new girlfriend was there, and countless family friends. I'm pretty sure there was a cozy glow emanating from the fireplace and I'm also pretty sure it was my first Turducken experience. A love affair was born. And now that I live in stoopid Eugene, Thanksgiving has taken on a new meaning as my well deserved break from school and chance to spend time with my family in a nice warm place. So, Thanksgiving, I am thankful for you! Oh yeah, and I'm also thankful for Abraham Lincoln's role in the holiday. He preserved the Union, freed the slaves, and gave our nation an excuse for a kickass four day weekend!

A true hero.

Proud

Hi, reader. OK, I know I don't have any readers, and maybe that's a good thing. So, anyway, tonight I was hanging out at a local bar watching my beloved Ducks get slaughtered by the USC Trojans. I was enjoying myself talking to an old drunk dude when a beautiful woman walked into the bar. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to be her everlasting partner. But I am just me. After some coaxing from one of my neighborhood bartenders I summoned the courage to say something to her.

"Excuse me," I said, "I'm sorry to interrupt but I have to tell you that you are beautiful."

Beautiful's friend chimes in, "yeah, isn't she exotic?" I said that she isn't exotic, simply beautiful. Beautiful appreciated what I said, but she was obviously not interested. That is totally OK. I had the courage to say something to a girl who is beautiful and me without any entourage. That, I think, is a big step.

I'm Back?

I suppose that, yes, I am back. I'd nearly forgotten that I have a blog. It has been something like five months since I've written anything here and even longer since I've written anything substantial. So...substantial. How about those elections, huh? A big "fuck you" to Bush and so many others. I must admit, part of me is a little sad that Santorum lost if only because I don't want the alternate use of the word to die out.

So...school, huh? I'm in my third year of architecture right now. How time flies. If things go according to plan, I'll be graduating in the summer of '08. That shouldn't be, but is, a big if. You see, I'm currently taking a class called structures that is kicking me in the ass. I had a test yesterday and I wouldn't be surprised if I failed. I need to pass that class because it is only offered once a year. If I wind up failing this class (which would be the first failure of my academic career. EVER) I will have to wait until next year to take it again. Then I'll have to wait until the year after that to take the next two classes in the series. I hope I can get things under control soon.

I'm starting to realize that I'm a grownup. My ten year high school reunion will be right after my college graduation. Wow, ten years. Hard to believe.

Oh, and one more thing, I just cleaned my toilet. I lead an exciting life. You know you envy me.

Eugene, City of Miracles

I've decided that I have too much stuff. Here in Eugene, if you put stuff out by the dumpster, people come and take it in a matter of minutes. It is amazing.

Cleaning

I'm cleaning my apartment right now. First time in months. This fucker is like an archaeological dig. I must be the biggest slob in the world.

Triumph!

I'm really happy. I was able to get my presentation all printed out. The only thing that sucks though is I forgot to put in one really important perspective. I guess I can figure out a creative way to get it in there. My presentation is really pretty, my best one yet. Now I just have a few more things to do before the review. Unfortunately, I have to run to pay rent tomorrow. Oh well. All things considered, that's not such a bad thing. Time to get a little bit of sleep.

So...Sleepy

I've been getting so little sleep lately working on my final project. I was supposed to work this morning at 9:30 but I didn't wake up until noon. Oops.

Almost Done!

My studio final project review is on Tuesday. Right now I'm working on the presentation. It is coming along well but slowly. I have a good feeling. But maybe that's just because I'm so tired I'm a little delirious.

Jesus of Nazareth!

A below the radar national fervor has erupted over some cartoons published in a student run Marxist newspaper "The Insurgent" here at good old University of Oregon. I picked up the issue that has sparked the brouhaha (sp?) about a month ago. I wasn't offended so much by the content (Jesus with a boner, Jesus gay) as the artistic quality of the cartoons. I was reminded of the controversy over those Danish Mohammed cartoons. I thought the most insulting thing about them was that they were so poorly drawn and lacked any sort of editorial insight. The same can be said for the cartoons of Jesus in the Insurgent. So Mohammed has a bomb in his (Indian style) turban. How is that even remotely called "satire?" Likewise, the depiction of a crucified Jesus with a boner doesn't cause me to think or question my beliefs. This may be a good time for me to mention that I'm not religious (hence the use of "of Nazareth" opposed to "Christ" which is the Anglicized word for "christos" or "savior" in Greek) and so can look at each of these subjects through non-defensive eyes.

Last year there was a similar brouhaha (sp? again) concerning a Libertarian student newspaper called "The Oregon Commentator." They singled out a person named Toby, who self-identifies as genderless, as an object for ridicule and potentially violent acts. Unfortunately, the Commentator has their back issues in .pdf format so it isn't easy to find the exact quote. Following the statements, Toby led a crusade to defund the Commentator. Many left-leaning people jumped on the "hate speach" bandwagon calling for the Commentator's cancellation. I happened to be taking an ethics class at the time in which we were required to write an essay taking a stand on the debate. Through much research and critical analysis, I came down on the side of the Commentator. Not because I agree with what they said, which was an intentional provocation, but because I believe in the ideal of free speech. Commentator critics said that the university should revoke their funding due to their unapologetic hate speech. Funding was retained because support of student publications must remain content neutral. Luckily, the correct decision was made and the Commentator's funding remained.

Back to the present controversy. So many of the type of people who defended the Commentator now condemn the Insurgent. To their (probably cynical) credit, the Commentator defends the Insurgent. But the Commentator issue is now beside the point. Other people who probably (and this is an assumption on my part) defended the Commentator and the Danish cartoons are now coming down hard against the Insurgent. Lest you think I am projecting, take a look at what Bill O'Reilly had to say about the Muhammed cartoons and what he has to say about the Jesus cartoons.

I Wish...

...I wish life was a simple thing. I don't claim any special intelligence, but I envy people who can see the world in black and white. I've tried different methods of finding a way to turn off my brain but so far nothing's worked out too well. I watched the movie "Jarhead" today. I found myself thinking that I would like to live a structured military life, one in which people tell me what to do and what to think. And I get physical strength and self confidence. I even went to different military websites tonight. I don't think that I'm a military type of person but structure is attractive. How can I give myself structure in my own life?

Laundry

For what seems like the thousandth time (but is more like the eighth) the laundry facilities in my apartment building don't work. And every time they break, they seem to get even worse. I'm tired of not being able to rely on the provided facilities to get my clothes clean. I don't have a car so it isn't like going to a laundromat is the easiest of options. I guess if I had to I could just walk there but dammit, the point is that if they provide a washer and dryer for the apartments, they should make sure they work. And if they don't work, they should be right on the ball to fix them. I fucking hate Bell Realty. They are completely unresponsive to tenants' needs. I had to sign a huge stack of paperwork and initial each restrictive clause in my rental agreement but when it comes to their responsibilites to me they seem to have better things to do. I guess that's what happens when the entire place is staffed by orange skinned, big haired high school dropouts.

When I moved into my apartment, my former property manager made a big deal about putting a lithium battery in the smoke detector. She said that it would last ten years or something like that. Then she said that I'd have to replace it with another lithium battery if the provided one ever expired. Well, not that long ago it did. Odd, I thought, but then when I looked at the battery it was all scratched up and obviously worn. Those motherfucking assholes gave me an old battery. That's so ridiculous. Bell Realty in Eugene is run by a bunch of crooks who don't care about tenants. I hate renting in a college town.

Oh...My...God!

You gotta go watch this video. It is perhaps the best thing I've ever seen.

Sitting Here With A Cup Of Coffee

Today is my second day of classes in the third term of my second year of school. Looking back on this year I'm not completely satisfied with anything that I've done but I've still succeeded.

We got our studio assignments yesterday. I think I'm going to like my teacher. He's worked all over the place and has only been teaching for a few years. The clue that made me think I'll like him is that he said that we are allowed to break the rules just as long as we are aware of what we are doing and have "a good reason." My teacher last year said basically the same thing, "have a damn good reason." It warmed my heart.

Today is my first day participating as a teacher's assistant. I'm one of many so it isn't really that big of a deal but it should still be pretty fun. I'm also going to take salsa 2. I'm really happy about that.

All in all, I'm excited about this term. Here we go!

A Post From a Different POV

Yeah, sure, I just wrote a post about personal things, but here's a post about political things...

 

I've been watching Fox News today because I don't have cable down in the Eugene. And here's what I think about their poop: Fox News is the mouthpiece of the Republican party. Obviously if you already agree with me you are saying something like, "that's right," but if you don't already agree with me, you are thinking, if not saying something like, "bullshit."

But here's the thing, our country is no longer a simple nation state. Starting with the Spanish/American War, we began our seemingly inevitable slide toward empire. World War I proved that we are a power in the world and World War II gave us our empire.

I had an argument with my dad earlier today, I asserted that World War II was not a just war, but rather a war of empire. We didn't come to a conclusion in our debate. My dad believes that World War II was a just war. I don't. I went to a Catholic high school. When I was there I had to take a class called "Peace and Justice." There they taught me about the School of the Americas and Liberation Theology. They also taught me about how, since the Vietnam War, our nation has had an all volunteer military, "AVF" as far as I understand it is called; "All Volunteer Force."

Unfortunately what they taught us about...the ALL VOLUNTEER FORCE is a farce. It is a poverty draft. The military is marketed to people who want to earn a living. In fact, this evening I was watching Comedy Central and there was a Navy commercial in which a man talked about how he wanted to start a business...there was some other stuff...then low and behold, he had a business...with skyscrapers in the background. Even if that very man owns a business, as he claims, I'll bet you one hundred dollars it isn't in those buildings behind him.

This isn't an anti-military screed. No, this is an anti-system screed. I don't think the military is wrong, rather, I think the poverty draft is wrong. I think it is wrong that the decision makers in this nation don't have to even pretend to sacrifice their children. I don't pretend that this is, or ever has been, a nation of altruism, but back in the time when we had a draft, at least everyone could anticipate serving. Now though, I know I'm not going to serve. And you know you aren't going to serve. My sister doesn't have to work in a war factory, nor does my mother.

So, aside from a select few, out citizenry is divorced from the war effort. We don't have to put our lives on the line. Our friends don't have to put their lives on the line. But someone has to fight. Someone has to die. It is our nation's poor.

We put commercials on the television that appeal to people's self interest. You can get skills for your future, etc. I don't deny that is true. I'm one hundred percent sure that people who join and serve our nation's militarty get skills. But is it right to advertise an inherently selfless institution to peoples' selfish interests? I assert that it isn't.

I think that we need to reinstitute the draft, but with the added option of civil service. In my America, you have the option of serving in the military for one year or in the civil service for two years. I'm sure most people will choose the civil service at this point in time. I don't think that is because most people are inherently unpatriotic, rather that most people understand that we are up to our necks in middle eastern shit. Once we finally realize it isn't in our interest to fight over there, we'll all be better off.

I have a cousin who is in the AFROTC and on his mission right now. A year or so ago we were talking and he said that he hoped we'd be out of Iraq by the time he is in active duty. I hope we are too. But I don't believe that we'll be done with the ramifications from Iraq.

I think the most important thing to remember about our so called "War on Terrorism" is that it is a political struggle. They aren't evil. We aren't righteous. It is a war just like any other.

War has always been political.

Even when people hijack airplanes and ram them into our skyscrapers, it is still political. The people we are fighting against are people, not the devil. That is extraordinarily important to remember.

btw...

...this is me. The ugly old lady isn't a joke, it really is me:

Spriiiiiinggg BRRRREEEaaaAAAKK!kkk!!!!!

Anyway, despite the headline, I'm having a mundane and boring spring break. I don't think that's such a bad thing.

But I've been thinking over the past day that it is true what "they" say, "you can't go home again." Here's the thing, I love my city. Portland, Oregon is probably one of the best places in the world, let alone the United States. But here's the other thing, even though I grew up here and I love this city, it doesn't feel like home any longer. I don't know if it is because my mother (with whom I'm staying) lives outside of downtown (not the suburbs, just not downtown) or if I just can't see the people who I care about. It seems like every time I come to this city I'm dogsitting or catsitting or something that prevents me from living it up.

But then, here's something I've been thinking about today and always; maybe I just don't have that much of a group here. Sure, I have friends and family, but I'm not 100% sure that they want me here. I don't mean to suggest that they don't like me or they don't love me but every time I come back here I feel completely isolated. Sure, I have my sister, my mom, and my dad. I have my ex, but what after that? It isn't like they ever call me. I call them. I call my sister and she never calls me back. I call my mom and, God bless her, she calls me back; but she's my mom. God help us all if she didn't. And my dad is on his shit. I love my dad and I'm really happy he calls me but I have a horrible feeling it is because of guilt that he doesn't have the money to put me through school.

This is one of those blog entries that I don't want to be accountable for. I'm just venting. I'm venting because I'm at my mom's house and I'm dogsitting. I'm venting because I used to love Portland and now I don't even know where I stand here. I'm venting because, like someone says, "you can't go home again."

I'm venting because I'm a whiny college student. I can't stand the status quo. I don't like to be alone (which I am, right now).

I don't like to be out of my comfort zone...

...but I never imagined that I'd be out of my comfort zone in the room in which I used to sleep.

A Bit of a Review

I'm sitting at my computer and drinking a cup of coffee. Mmmm...I love coffee. Later today I have my final final after which time I'll be free from responsibility for a short time. I don't particularly care to be free from responsibility. Next week I'm going to work at the glass factory in Portland for four days. That will be good, I guess.

Yesterday (Wednesday) I had a group presentation for my environmental control systems class. We had to do a research project. I'm not particularly proud of it, but at least I got to draw a few pictures of cavemen for it. That's something. (I'm trying to upload a caveman drawing but blogger's being a jerk.)

Tuesday I went to go see "V for Vendetta." I'd read the comics a few years ago and the movie seemed to generally follow along pretty well. I think the end wasn't quite the same but it was basically a pretty good representation of the comics and even more importantly, the ideas in the comics. I could have used a little more killing of bad guys, but hey, I like to see bad guys get theirs.

Monday nothing happened.

Sunday nothing happened.

Saturday I went to see "Why We Fight." It is a very good movie, Roger Ebert accuses it of preaching to the choir but I don't care. I think if people don't agree with it they should see it too and watch it with open minds. Perhaps they'll see something that causes them to think critically about American militarism. We need to think and people need to know that this isn't the only way.

Friday I drank a lot of green beer. That was pretty fun.

I've got four hours until my final exam. I think I should study at least a bit. We'll see.

Do you ever?

Do you ever look in the mirror and say to yourself outloud, "Goddamn, I'm hot"? Well, I just did, and let me tell you, it feels good.

Oh, and, Goddamn, I really am hot.

Happy St. Patrick`s Day.

Finland

Looks like I'm going to be going to study abroad this summer in Finland. I've gotta make this quick but I just have to say that I'm really damn excited. I think my feelings can best be summed up in the words of Monty Python:

Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I want to be,
Pony trekking or camping,
Or just watching TV.
Finland, Finland, Finland.
It's the country for me.

You're so near to Russia,
So far from Japan,
Quite a long way from Cairo,
Lots of miles from Vietnam.

Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I want to be,
Eating breakfast or dinner,
Or snack lunch in the hall.
Finland, Finland, Finland.
Finland has it all.

You're so sadly neglected
And often ignored,
A poor second to Belgium,
When going abroad.

Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I quite want to be,
Your mountains so lofty,
Your treetops so tall.
Finland, Finland, Finland.
Finland has it all.

Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I quite want to be,
Your mountains so lofty,
Your treetops so tall.
Finland, Finland, Finland.
Finland has it all.
Finland has it all.

Such a powerful song. Tears well up in my eyes whenever I hear it. Excuse me.

Someone smashed the sign for my management company. i wish i could say i were sorry.

Monthly Posting Time

I only like to post about once a month. But sometimes I like to post even less frequently than that. At this rate, I'm going the once a month route. Who knows, maybe I'll up it soon. It isn't really like I have a whole lot going on these days. But I do have a lot on my mind.

For the past month or so, I've been going to weekly therapy sessions. They are helpful and good but I sometimes feel as if I'm holding my hand over a flame...pain for no good reason. Unlike untargeted self-inflicted pain, the pain that comes from counseling sessions has some sort of ultimate purpose. I wonder what that purpose is. There are vague promises of being a better functioning person but I have to take that on faith. Faith in myself. A difficult concept for me to grasp but I'm working on it.

Yesterday I stupidly went to a website with messageboards about my aunt. I do this every once in a while. I guess the last time I did it was a couple of years ago. It isn't something I enjoy doing but I confess that I have a sick fascination with the people who have a sick fascination with the whole thing. Until the first time I hit one of these boards, I could never have imagined the hate and vitriol that people can hold. I want to tell these people to get a life and let the dead have their peace. It has been something like 16 years and people are still writing daily on these web forums. I can't imagine what would drive someone to that. Especially since the things people write are so hateful. 16 years, you fucking losers. So many of those people are fond of saying that you reap what you sow. I have something to say to them, if it's true that you reap what you sow, you are fucked.

That Time Again

So...Sunday is my birthday. I'm going to be 26 years young. I'm starting to get a little freaked out about my age. Not a lot, but certainly some. Last birthday was a quarter century which is a pretty big milestone. And now I'm working on my second quarter century. That's a bit on the weird side, especially since I'm still the same person I've been since I was a lad. When I was a mere lad, I remember thinking that old people were just old people. Now I'm starting to realize that old people actually used to be young. Like me! Intellectually this isn't a great stretch, but people don't generally freak out about things that they rationally analyze. No, freaking out about age is a purely emotional endeavor.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!

Rain Rain Rain Rain Rain Rain Rain

I'm not one who normally likes to complain about the rain. Heat, yes. Cold, most likely. But rain, hell no. I'm an Oregonian, we are supposed to have webbed feet or something like that. For the last three days though it has been raining pretty much nonstop. I think it stopped a couple of times on Sunday but it is now Wednesday. It is like a monsoon or something. I actually don't mind the rain all that much but I have to walk around everywhere so that pretty much sucks. But it is pretty, I have to admit.

School started back up on Monday. There's quite a gap in my bloggerness but I never really felt like writing during the break. The break was great, by the way. I think it was my best break since I've been in school. I've determined that this year is going to be a great year. I'm starting to talk like my mom a bit. When I was younger I thought that the way she talked about things was kind of wacky but I'm starting to see the value in it. The idea of talking about things that you want at first seems stupid. Surely talking about something won't make it more likely. But I think that it works. I've been telling myself that I'm going to have good things and so far good things are happening. Mostly though, I think it is that my outlook is different. In fact, the things are pretty much all the same. It is my perception of those things that is changing. And that is a positive development.

This term in school I don't have design studio. I'm excited about that. Studio is great but it is extraordinarily stressful. I'm taking a couple of architecture classes, a philosophy class, and most interestingly a salsa dancing class. I went last night for the first time and all I can do now is the count in my head, 1 2 3 . 5 6 7 . over and over again. I'm happy that I'm trying something I wouldn't normally do and so far I'm enjoying it. I feel bad though because my hands get all sweaty. I should figure out some sort of sweaty hands remedy. Chalk, maybe?

Bitality, Really

I'm tiard and I'm not even close to done. This makes me sad. Very sad.

-- UPDATE:

It is now 7:15 in the AM. I've been working since I got here at six yesterday. I can see the light at the end. Unfortunately, I'm ready to pass out.

Reality Bites

So now I'm back in studio and though I'm not scared, the scale of the task before me and the limited time I have to do it is hitting me. So it goes.

Back to Reality

I'm sitting in my mom's house getting ready to catch my train back down to Eugene. The train will be the final leg on a three leg journey that's taken me from Maui to San Francisco and finally to Portland. It is taking a long time and frankly, I wouldn't mind if I never got there. See, I'm still not done with my final project for architecture and time is fast running out. I'll figure something out, I know this. But it isn't going to be easy, I know this too. But I won't worry about that right now.

Hawaii was really pretty and I got used to walking around in shorts and flip flops quite quickly. We stayed in this condo building that was basically right on the beach. We were so close that I could take close up videos of people walking along the beach. Video cameras are the best tool for stalking...anyway, so it was warm, and hot even. It was mostly sunny. The ocean was warm. People were dressed in very little. But where we were staying is more of an old person place. It wasn't like how you imagine with all these hot young people glistening in the sun. Don't get me wrong, there were lots of people glistening in the sun but they tended to be either OLD or YOUNG. So in other words, it was a family kind of a place, which was perfect for our family. There were nine of us on the trip (there are still eight there) and two older people, three medium people, two people my age, and two little little kids. The little little kids were probably the highlight of my trip. They are my cousins, both born this side of the year 2000. They are products of the new millenium, the world of the future. My smaller cousin (she's two) likes to talk about the time they went to the zoo and that the "elephant go poopoo!" She says it with evident delight and when people laugh she keeps saying it louder. It was the best thing I heard on the day that I heard it. First of all, I get much delight from seeing a happy two year old, add onto that the hilariousness of the word "poopoo" and you get a memorable moment.

Unfortunately, though, due to my school schedule, I had to take a short trip. When I got there, everyone else had been there for days, and when I left, they still had days. That's ok, I guess. I got a taste of life without the pressures of school and I loved it. It wasn't enough to make me question my place in school but it certainly was enough to make me really antsy for this term to be over and the three weeks of break that follow.

And now, time to get ready for round three of travel.

Me in Hawaii from cell phone. So pretty.

Maywa Denki!!!!!

Tonight I'm going to a show by Maywa Denki. I've seen some of their nonsense machines in the art museum here on campus but now I'm going to see a performance with them. I have absolutely no idea what to expect but how could anyone not want to see a show put on whose promotional picture is this:

Here's Another One

Here's the outside!

Gah!

I'm in studio right now preparing for my midterm review tomorrow. Here's a small taste of my design, more to come in the future.

Three Weeks

I just realized something today, I'm going to Hawaii on Wednesday the 26th. That means I'm going to Portland on Tuesday. That means I have to be done with my project on Monday. That is only three weeks from now. I can't fathom that. This term is fucked.

Fall Back

I just woke up, sad that I have to take a quick shower and be instantly off to work. Then I checked my computer and it said the time is an hour earlier than I thought it was. Oh yeah, fall back! I've never had a better conversion from daylight savings to standard time in my whole life.

Favorite Quote

A friend of mine lists the following quote of mine as one of her favorites:

"Being a loser is great, but it also requires you to be a loner, or else you might become cool"

Can someone tell me what that means? Also, if it is clever, how did I get to be so?

Uncanny!

I saw this picture in the newspaper the other and thought, "my God! We're putting Steve Zissou on trial. I mean, come on, putting Mr. Abdullah Kazim Ruwayyid, a Baath party official, in the same setting it is nearly impossible to tell him from Mr. Bill Murray:

Weird.

Amazing!

I got an email with this subject line: Re: Really Works Wonder Meddicaation. It is funny, I don't exactly remember sending anyone a message with that subject line which would have caused the "Re:" but hey, you can't argue with the body of the message. I went ahead and sent them my credit card number. I mean, can you imagine how healthy I'd be with a year's supply of Wonder Meddicaation? I can. Finally, something to get excited about, and this is guaranteed. Nothing can possibly go wrong.

Ready, Set, Go!

I'm tired of living a life of detachment and apathy. Time to get back into caring about things.

I heart design

School has finally hit. I'm wicked busy. I'm stressed out and it is starting to get ridiculous, but the funny thing is...this is exactly what I want. I may bitch and moan about how much work I have to do and how little life I have, and I'm not wrong when I do, but this is what I signed up for. I want to live my education. I want to be so wrapped up that I don't know which way is up. I want to internalize it so much so that I can't think anything but architecture.

I just wish I had a better studio instructor.

I have to get used to it.

But at least next week I'm going to start designing. Ahhhh...design. How I love you. I heart design.

Do What You Do

Last night after classes were over, I met up with an old friend who I went to high school with and then lived with after for a while. It had been about three years since the last time we'd hung out. Three years sounds like a long time but for some reason I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that it has been that long. But it has. It is somewhat frightening to realize how quickly time can go by. I'm also frightened about the fact that in three years I have done very little. Sure, I've decided to go back to school and I've been successful in that endeavor but at the core, deep down, my life is about the same. And that's not really a good thing. Three years ago was one of the worst times in my life and putting it in terms of that much time I realize that I've been unbelievably preoccupied and holding myself back.

So what can I do? How can I move forward? I think I need to keep on doing what I'm doing. I went to a high school whose Latin motto was "Age quod agis" which they translated to "Do well whatever you do." I've heard, however, that it more accurately translates to "Do what you do." At first glance, that seems a less interesting translation but I think it is superior to the accepted translation. "Do what you do." Focus. Live your life. Don't get distracted. Don't live in the past or the future. Live now. Living now and not focusing on the past is something that I have a difficult time getting myself to do. I'm sure it is a function of my personality which is analytical and inwardly focused. I think that leads to these neverending loops of thought in my mind which tend to be negative. I can't seem to get myself to obsess about positive things. I'd rather not obsess at all. I think that partially why I obsess about negative things is that I like to solve problems. Rationally I know that not all problems have solutions but I'm often not rational, especially deep down.

I think the key to dealing with my obsessions is to live the motto "age quod agis," to focus on what's in front of me, and importantly to act as well as to analyze. Analysis is an important aspect of life but analysis without action is largely worthless. I must learn to know when I've thought about something enough and anymore would lead to diminishing returns. I've spent a lot of time thinking that my apartment is a mess but I somehow can't bring myself to clean it. That is a small example of my problem. I recognize a problem but instead of doing something about it I let it fester. That is going to be my focus. Convert the energy that I spend thinking and worrying about something into positive action. The best way to shutting my brain off for a little while isn't to watch tv or take a drink. The best way to shutting my brain off is action.

Third Week of School

I'm already sick of school. I'm not loving what I'm doing. In fact, it almost feels like I'm doing nothing but I'm spending all day completely busy. I wake up, go to work, go to class, do school work and go to bed. I shouldn't have been expecting much else and realistically I wasn't. The main difference between my expectations and the reality of my school situation is that of interest. I'm busy as hell but I don't give a shit about anything that I'm doing. Blah. Just a hoop to jump through like so much else in this world.

Thanksgiving and Hawaii

My Grandma has been planning a trip to take our family to Hawaii over Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, due to my school schedule it is looking like it is going to be completely impossible for me to go. I'm upset but mainly because this is such a big deal to her. Unless I can find some flight stuck in the nether regions of some travel website, I'll have to figure out how to spend my first holiday ever not with my family. That is sure to be difficult. Family and holidays go together for me so automatically that the thought of not being with my family for a holiday actually makes me a bit physically uncomfortable. Oh well, I have plenty of time to get used to the feeling.

Second Year

OK, here we go...my second year of school is starting today. I haven't done much to prepare myself mentally for the beginning of classes. So I guess I'll just wing it and I'm sure everything will be just fine. I'm looking forward to using my brain again. In the last month and a half or so I've done a lot of drinking and very little thinking. Now I've got to reverse the trend. Thinking...wow, thinking. I'm not entirely sure that I'm up to it but I guess I have to be.

The other thing that starts today is my job at the dorms. I'm looking forward to getting some food but other than that I could leave my job without too much sadness. And finally, I'm looking forward to seeing people who I haven't seen in a long time. I hope I remember everyone's names!

Alright, so I guess that's about it. I'm antsy. I have butterflies. But I know that in a mere week this will all be routine again. I'm off!

New Mexico

Well, I'm here in Albuquerque, NM. Some thoughts about the city...it is brown and flat and warm and dry. At this point (not having seen much) it feels like the city is just one big suburb. So this isn't what I'd call a model of urban planning. What is interesting is that people seem to be really nice here, and not fake nice like people working at Starbucks, but genuinely nice like, well, like nothing I've quite experienced before. I'm from Portland and a lot of people who aren't from there often comment on how nice people are. I never really thought they were and now I'm convinced that they aren't. My cousin's husband is so nice. My sister and I were talking about it this morning. We were thinking he was like the cool, popular nice guy in high school who everyone including the asshole popular kids, the geeks, and the teachers liked.

I'm not sure what the plan is today. We talked about visiting Santa Fe but we'll see. Whatever happens it's sure to be a rip-snortin' good time!

Race for the cure!

Nothing Much

Nothing much going on at the moment. I'm watching the season finale of Veronica Mars. Such a good show. I've been working in Portland for the past month. I've only got a few days before I'm done with that. Then I'm going to New Mexico for my cousin's wedding. Directly after that school starts again. Wow, the end of my freedom is at hand. Somehow I don't mind much.

This is from my phone.

Changes

Change happens and it isn't always easy to deal with. It is especially difficult for me to understand and accept the changes that I have with my relationships. I accept that change is inevitable and often welcome but I don't always understand how to deal with it. I don't deal with the changes in my friendships well. I remember when I first started collegel. I had a really close friend in high school who completely got into the college experience and I felt left behind. I was jealous of his life and angry that I was "abandoned." I'm dealing with a situation like that now with a close friend. And it makes me sad. I'm grasping at anything that will keep things as they were. But I understand that they'll never be like they were and by pushing hard they will just get worse. I don't know what to do.

I'm someone who only has a few close friends and when one of those relationships changes I'm lost. I will be ok, I just hope that everything else will be.

WTF???

I sprayed a bunch of flea killing shit all over my apartment the other day. I thought the problem was solved until just now when I saw a flea on me. What the fuck!?! I'm annoyed as hell. Now I'm going to have to get a bomb and bomb this place when I go on my trip. Who knows, maybe I'll use two of them.

Aside from that...test tomorrow. I don't really give a damn what I get on it because I'd have to get something like 30% on it to not pass the class. I guess maybe I should have taken it graded. Then it is summer! Wahoo.

Letsee

Hmm...it has been a bit of a bit since I last posted. I guess I haven't really been in an analytical type of mood lately. Rather, I've opted to simply get through from one day to the next. That isn't to say that things are going poorly, they aren't. But neither are they going particularly well. I am bored with things. On the plus side, I only have two more days of my physics class left and then I'm free until the end of September when school is going to beat the shit out of me. Speaking of physics, I got my last test back. I got a 94%! I missed three on the multiple choice and got full credit on the written problems. Yeah, I kicked the hell out of it. I think I may be a genius.

So Wednesday is my final exam and then on Thursday my mom is going to drive down and pick me up for a short little road trip. We are going to Crater Lake and then down to the southern Oregon and northern California coast. I'm looking forward to spending a bunch of time with my mom. The last time we went on a trip was about this time last year when we went to Boston. That was quite a trip. This one will be a little more casual but I think it will probably be nicer because we are going to be spending all our time together whereas last time she had to work a lot.

That's about that. I could use a beer right now but I don't have any and I don't want it enough to go out and get one. I'm S.O.L.

Testies

I have a test in my physics class tomorrow. Then, next Wednesday I have my final! Then I won't have school for a month and a half. What's a boy to do?

And...

...I need a damn haircut!

Shake it Off

That last entry sure was dumb. I guess I just got it in my head that I wanted to go out with some people this weekend and when it didn't happen I felt this burning loneliness tinged with anger. The fact is that I've spent plenty of weekends mostly alone in my life. And I'm still here. Today I decided to snap myself out of it and it hasn't been completely easy. I'm still not totally snapped out of it, but a lot more out of it than at this time yesterday. I took myself out for breakfast at a local diner where I started reading "When We Were Orphans" by Kazuo Ishiguro. I've previously read "Remains of the Day" and I have to say that I believe Ishiguro is one of my favorite authors. His style is subdued but its calmness is despite all kinds of other ideas swirling around the characters. The protagonists in both novels share this overarching sense of duty to which they sacrifice their personal lives. It is a theme that I can relate to. The only problem is that since the style is so measured, I sometimes get a little tired so I have to get up and walk around outside for a while. Maybe that is an indication that I need to start getting a little bit of exercise.

Well, I got a phone call so I lost my train of thought so I'll leave it at that.

Bullshit Weekend

Now, I've never been king number one cool social guy or anything, but I wonder what's happened to me since I moved to Eugene almost a year ago. I've never had as hard a time connecting with people as I have since I've lived here. At least, not during my adult life. I'm not a social retard and I'm able to carry on conversations with all kinds of people but I don't understand why I don't have any real friends. Sure, there are some people who I can hang out with and talk to relatively comfortably but that's not really enough for me. I can't have a series of mere acquaintances but no real friends. This weekend is what's getting to me. I've called basically everyone I know to try and get something going but here I sit at my computer without having been able to get in touch with anyone. And I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed that I have to call people to try and have a social interaction and I'm unbelievably annoyed and more than a little hurt that nobody calls me to hang out. I keep up my happy face and talk to people but still nothing. I haven't been able to get into any type of regular friendships with anyone. I've been trying but it doesn't seem to be working. I don't think any of my friends mean anything by not calling me which almost makes it worse because it seems to confirm my fear that people don't really care about me.

Piss on this feeling. I know it is a stupid bullshit temporary feeling but that doesn't make it any less real for me right now. I've been making social progress and I know this isn't permanent but it gets tiring. I'm sick of having no social life. Whatever. I just need to keep trying. I'm done.

Some Pictures

I walked around Eugene today and took some pictures. Here are some results:

Other than that, a pretty crappy day.

Oops

Wow, I need to get to bed. I guess class is probably out of the question in the morning. Oh well.

Honey Bucket

This is the view outside of my living room window at the moment. As I've previously mentioned, I live in an alley. Actually, to be precise, I live at the intersection of a major and a minor alley. The minor alley is being paved this week (hopefully not too much longer) so I've been dealing with people cutting concrete and operating backhoes right outside my window. And I guess the workers have to have a place to let loose their bladders and bowels. And that place is right outside my living room window. It doesn't smell as bad as it could. I can only guess what the smell will be like if the project lasts a long time. Oh please, be efficient city contractors. For my sake.

I went with a friend and her boyfriend to see "Wedding Crashers" tonight. I quite enjoyed it. I'm a sucker for living vicariously through the sleeziness of others. I wasn't totally thrilled with the sappy ending but it is a movie and people need to be redeemed...I guess.

I don't have a lot more to say. I'm kind of tired but not quite ready to go to bed. I thought that I had an entry in me but I seem to have been mistaken. Such is life.

Weekend tomorrow! Parrrrrty! Or not.

So...Hot...

...no, not a girl, me. And not because I'm attractive, my profile picture is a giant inflatable crab on top of a building, afterall. And that's an improvement! No, I am hot because it is fucking hot up in this beast. I just have to nap for a bit. Later on tonight, I'm going to a friend's house to watch "Shaun of the Dead." That'll be nice. Now, onto my nap.

What Time is It?

I had an enjoyable evening. First off, I had a test in my damn-ass physics class. As I told my friend, I like to call physics "p-hys." It just sounds a little cooler. I have no idea how the test went, I could have passed or failed. No idea. That probably means I didn't get an A. One rarely gets an A when one thinks one may have failed. Rarely, but not never. Maybe this is just a rare day.

It actually was a rare day because around 8:30 I met up with a friend at a coffee shop where we drank a little coffee, but more interestingly we smoked his hookah. It was quite a pleasant experience. He mixed pinapple and jasmine shisha which is what the tobacco is called. There are a couple of things that I really liked about it. One was the ritual. Unlike smoking a cigarette, there is a large apparatus that must be prepared before one smokes so the experience is heightened by said preparation. The second big thing that I liked was that the smoke lasts a long time. I love to smoke and smoking cigarette after cigarette often winds up being a less than enjoyable experience. A hookah, on the other hand has mild smoke that one can enjoy for a hell of a lot longer than one cigarette.

There is a mosquito buzzing around me right now and I can't kill it. Shite!

So anyway, smoking hookah is great. It is relaxing. The smoke tastes good and is smooth. And another cool aspect is that it is communal. So yeah, thumbs up to hookah.

After hookah time, we got a six pack and drank a few beers each. I didn't really know this guy too well before we hang out tonight, but we had a really nice conversation. I'll be happy to add him to my short list of friends. I guess that's about that. A good night was had. And I have to go to stupid shit class in eight hours. I guess I'd better get to sleep...soon.

Fleas, That's Right.

Damn, the flea that I saw seems to have a few friends. I guess I need to bomb the shit outta this place. I have no idea where they came from but I guess that isn't really important. Now I just need to figure out where to send them, and I think I know where; straight to HELLLLLLL! You mofos are all gonna die something wicked. You hear that?

On another note, I have a test tomorrow. Ahh, thermodynamics, I barely know you. You seem to think that I've been listening this past week, but really all that's been going through my head when you've been talking is, "I can't wait until this is over so I can pick my nose in peace." But now I'm being tested and all I can do at the moment is not go to bed. That means I'll be writing a couple more sentences about absolutely nothing, particularly nada, but I'll also be exploring zilch and if time allows oblivion. So, nada. What can I say about nada...well, I guess there isn't much to say. Onto zilch...where does this word come from? I imagine it is probably an adoption from Yiddish as are so many of our more whacky words. Oh wait, I'm going to go look it up...brb...from dictionary.com:

zilch Slang
n.

1. Zero; nothing.
2. A person regarded as being insignificant; a nonentity.


adj.

Amounting to nothing; nil: “Business was zilch” (New York).


[Perhaps from alteration of z(ero) + (n)il.]

Well, looks like I may have been wrong. I'm not afraid to admit to my mistakes, especially when they are so trivial. And as long as the subject is unimportant mistakes, I'll admit them 24/7/365(6). That's right, I won't even take a day off during leap year.

And now onto oblivion...oh, I'm sorry, I guess we've run out of time. That really was a good subject too. Well, maybe next time.

Fleas?!?

How in the hell do I have fleas here? I don't have an animal living with me anymore! Hopefully the one that I found on my leg is just an aberration and I got it from outside. We'll see. I'm not a hairy person so it isn't so likely they'll thrive on me. What a crock of shit.

Sunday for a While Longer

What can I say? The last week has been an interesting one in that I've done as much to avoid any responsibilities that I possibly can. Somehow I've been able to get everything done that I need to but with a minimum of effort. I feel as if, when I work on my obligations, I'm in some sort of trance in which I'm able to work and think but after which I have little to no recollection of working or thinking. I guess you could say that the memories are like those of a long night of drinking. Sure, you remember most of it although some things are a bit fuzzy and everything seems a little less real than it should. That's how I feel about my first week of my second physics class. I'd be nervous about the first test on Tuesday, but I don't think I care enough to be nervous. I'll do ok, I'm sure. I'm retaining the information but can't recall it unless in a classroom or while doing homework. I guess I'm subconciously compartmentalizing school and other tasks which I currently deem unpleasant. But what does that mean for the rest of my life? I'm not exactly sure about that. I enjoy playing video games but my ass eventually gets tired. I enjoy meeting new people but my fake smile and anecdotes eventually get tired. I enjoy drinking but my liver eventually gets tired. I enjoy blogging but my fingers and anecdotes eventually get tired. I enjoy listening to talk radio but my ears eventually get tired...

The point is that even though I'm doing a lot better than I was doing a month or two ago, I'm starting to feel inadequate in other parts of my life. Ha ha, that's a perfect opening for a penis joke but I'm not going to indulge that kind of thinking around here...mainly because I can't think of anything particularly funny about making jokes about my own penis. And this is about where I remember that someone I know probably actually still checks this and then I feel like a total idiot for writing this stuff, but I won't delete it from the little blogger textbox because this is what having a blog is all about. Stupid-ass shit.

I read a salon.com article earlier today about this nanny in new york who was fired by her employer because of the things she wrote in her blog. Also, the employer imagined a whole hell of a lot more than she'd also written. Which makes me wonder sometimes. I feel like the internet brings a lot of people together, often people who would never meet. And there is a weird intimacy that happens between people online. But when you get down to it, the internet, blogs, message boards, instant messaging, they are all ways in which people put on masks for others and even more for themselves. We are still in a time of novelty for the internet. People are willing to bare much of themselves for the outside world. And I can understand that pretty well, but what happens when things that are only meant for oneself and complete strangers are stumbled upon and read by those close to us? It seems ridiculous that we would allow some random person who finds our blogs through search results should know more about one's life than the people closest to that one. But somehow it seems even more ridiculous the other way around. And I think that may be why my blog has been languishing. Because I have barely anything to write that I would want those close to me to read. Maybe it is just because I want to put up a happy and brave facade. I can't do that so well when I expose myself to people who know me. I don't know where I'm going with this. Nowhere good, I think. Especially since I've been feeling so good lately. No, I'm going to stop this thought train before it is too late.

I'll close with this little anecdote...

When I first moved into my apartment, I often heard the sounds of sex coming from an apartment accross my alley. They've been absent for a while but I didn't really notice until recently when a baby's crying began emanating from the same window. Tonight, I heard the couple having sex. That was the first time I can remember hearing them fucking since well before the baby came along. Good for them.

Phuck Fysics!

I'm sick of physics. I don't fucking care about how many light bulbs it takes to warm up a wall in order to transfer some fucking amount of heat through said wall and into the next goddamn room. Who gives a fucking shit!?! Fuck physics...right in, um...uh...some fucking place.

I Wanna Be a Supermodel

Things are starting to get interesting. My former studio teacher is to be designing a house on the coast and he'd like to hire me to work on model building for him. This much I've known for a while but things have been up in the air. He emailed me the other day and things look like they are going to happen in the near future. I don't know exactly what's going on yet, but he wants to pay me $18/hr! That's $10.75 more per hour than I make at my crap-ass cafeteria job which, coincidentally, is over for now meaning that I have no income. I'm very lucky to have people from whom I can get money in emergencies. I think I'll be having an emergency soon.

I'm taking physics right now. My final exam is on Friday. I'm not happy about that but I think it is good that it is coming soon. Things have been getting steadily more difficult in the last week. We first dealt with one dimensional motion, then two dimensional, then circular motion which was starting to get a bit on the weird site. Now we are talking about radial motion with torque and all kinds of other less straight forward concepts. All I can say about physics is that I'm glad it is curved and I'm glad I don't have to take it graded.

Templates, Dammit!

In order to help facilitate a renewed interest in my blog, I decided to change the template. Little did I know that none of the stock templates would work with some of my content. Blah. I guess I'll have to create a new one for myself. That's not so bad, I guess. Time to attempt to learn the blogger tags again. Sigh.

Fine!

OK, fine! I'll write a damn blog entry. I actually forgot about this thing for a while. It isn't really as if I'd ever paid all that much attention to it, but I guess I lost interest during spring term of school. It seems that I can't ever really string anything mildly interesting together. Usually an entry would be something like, "I don't really have anything to say." Surely riveting material. But lately, I've been less busy than any time in the previous year and I've become increasingly agitated. Something must be done. This website isn't the answer to whatever it is that is causing me to feel poorly, but it certainly can't be one of the reasons for my feelings. That would have required me to have been posting to it at some point in the last month.

There is a dog barking/whining in some apartment in my alley. Yes, that's right, alley. I don't live on a street. A peculiarity of Eugene is that nearly every block is bisected by an alley which has addresses and lots of people living in it. I don't know if this is common in many cities, but as one who grew up in and around Portland, it is not normal for me. When I first decided to move into my apartment, I thought it was kind of shady. I've been proven both right and wrong in that regard. See, it is shady and there are lots of people who suck living around here, but there are also plenty of people who are just students or who don't sell drugs so I guess there is a balance. A ying and yang. A certain symmetrical beauty. My property management company, on the other hand, was forged from pure evil by Satan himself. I've had an unusual number of confrontations with my property management company that have left me shocked by their lack of professionalism. I won't go into the past, but rather detail the current issue.

I re-signed my lease for the next year. I decided that moving is too much of a hassle and it is much too expensive for me right now. I signed it a month ago and the new lease starts in September when my rent increases by five dollars a month. I paid my rent a week ago and the check went through just as usual. What is unusual though is that I got a 72 hour eviction notice saying that I owe them FIVE DOLLARS! Those dumb motherfuckers are threatening eviction over five dollars that I don't even owe them. What in the name of Shit do they think they are doing? I should have learned by now but it seems every once in a while they'll shock me. One thing that I'll take from my experiences with this company of morons; if the majority of the workers have perms, heavy eyeliner, and orange skin, don't rent from them.

my final

here's the link to my final project:

http://gladstone.uoregon.edu/~mseats/studio/182/images/seats_final_layout.jpg