Last week I finished up my sixth design studio. I only have four more to do before I graduate. That is really amazing to think about.

In about an hour I'm getting together with a school buddy to work on a project for structures. We have to build towers out of little pieces of wood and string. Then on Tuesday we are going to test them in the class. It should be really fun and theatrical. Early in the term we built tent models in groups and then we tested them against the wind with leaf blowers. The teachers got super into it. They had a video feed to a projector so that everyone could see and it was all accompanied by dramatic music. Unfortunately, my grade in structures is quite poor so I may get to do it all again next year. I hope not though. The tower is worth a bunch of points and there is still another test on Thursday. I think I'll be able to pull it out (tee hee. I bet a lot of peoples' dads have said that).

Douchebags on Parade!

CNN's Glenn Beck!

What a douchebag.

Thanksgiving!

My favorite celebration in the holiday pantheon is in a mere two days! Thanksgiving day. A day to eat lots of delicious food and bask in the warmth of my family and friends. As I grow up things like that mean more and more to me. When I was younger I much preferred the excitement of Christmas (because of Jesus, not presents. OK, because of presents) and to a lesser extent my birthday (only because of presents though since the day is a month after Christmas I unjustifiably felt I was getting screwed out of more loot). Now, though, I can pretty much get for myself the material goods that I want and I'm only about 98% as selfish as I was when ten, so that lessens the importance of Christmas in my life. And my birthday has nearly no importance because I don't usually have parties as self-aggrandizement isn't my style, I am more the humble greatness kind of guy. I'm much too good to try and convince people how good I am by throwing myself parties. I mean, god, some people just don't have the humility that I do.

So that brings me back to Thanksgiving. Ever since 1999, our uniquely American holiday has been the tops in my book. That was the first time that I remember Thanksgiving being a fucking blast. My aunt and uncle from Germany were there, their friends from Utah with their adorable kids, my new girlfriend was there, and countless family friends. I'm pretty sure there was a cozy glow emanating from the fireplace and I'm also pretty sure it was my first Turducken experience. A love affair was born. And now that I live in stoopid Eugene, Thanksgiving has taken on a new meaning as my well deserved break from school and chance to spend time with my family in a nice warm place. So, Thanksgiving, I am thankful for you! Oh yeah, and I'm also thankful for Abraham Lincoln's role in the holiday. He preserved the Union, freed the slaves, and gave our nation an excuse for a kickass four day weekend!

A true hero.

Proud

Hi, reader. OK, I know I don't have any readers, and maybe that's a good thing. So, anyway, tonight I was hanging out at a local bar watching my beloved Ducks get slaughtered by the USC Trojans. I was enjoying myself talking to an old drunk dude when a beautiful woman walked into the bar. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to be her everlasting partner. But I am just me. After some coaxing from one of my neighborhood bartenders I summoned the courage to say something to her.

"Excuse me," I said, "I'm sorry to interrupt but I have to tell you that you are beautiful."

Beautiful's friend chimes in, "yeah, isn't she exotic?" I said that she isn't exotic, simply beautiful. Beautiful appreciated what I said, but she was obviously not interested. That is totally OK. I had the courage to say something to a girl who is beautiful and me without any entourage. That, I think, is a big step.

I'm Back?

I suppose that, yes, I am back. I'd nearly forgotten that I have a blog. It has been something like five months since I've written anything here and even longer since I've written anything substantial. So...substantial. How about those elections, huh? A big "fuck you" to Bush and so many others. I must admit, part of me is a little sad that Santorum lost if only because I don't want the alternate use of the word to die out.

So...school, huh? I'm in my third year of architecture right now. How time flies. If things go according to plan, I'll be graduating in the summer of '08. That shouldn't be, but is, a big if. You see, I'm currently taking a class called structures that is kicking me in the ass. I had a test yesterday and I wouldn't be surprised if I failed. I need to pass that class because it is only offered once a year. If I wind up failing this class (which would be the first failure of my academic career. EVER) I will have to wait until next year to take it again. Then I'll have to wait until the year after that to take the next two classes in the series. I hope I can get things under control soon.

I'm starting to realize that I'm a grownup. My ten year high school reunion will be right after my college graduation. Wow, ten years. Hard to believe.

Oh, and one more thing, I just cleaned my toilet. I lead an exciting life. You know you envy me.

Eugene, City of Miracles

I've decided that I have too much stuff. Here in Eugene, if you put stuff out by the dumpster, people come and take it in a matter of minutes. It is amazing.

Cleaning

I'm cleaning my apartment right now. First time in months. This fucker is like an archaeological dig. I must be the biggest slob in the world.

Triumph!

I'm really happy. I was able to get my presentation all printed out. The only thing that sucks though is I forgot to put in one really important perspective. I guess I can figure out a creative way to get it in there. My presentation is really pretty, my best one yet. Now I just have a few more things to do before the review. Unfortunately, I have to run to pay rent tomorrow. Oh well. All things considered, that's not such a bad thing. Time to get a little bit of sleep.

So...Sleepy

I've been getting so little sleep lately working on my final project. I was supposed to work this morning at 9:30 but I didn't wake up until noon. Oops.

Almost Done!

My studio final project review is on Tuesday. Right now I'm working on the presentation. It is coming along well but slowly. I have a good feeling. But maybe that's just because I'm so tired I'm a little delirious.

Jesus of Nazareth!

A below the radar national fervor has erupted over some cartoons published in a student run Marxist newspaper "The Insurgent" here at good old University of Oregon. I picked up the issue that has sparked the brouhaha (sp?) about a month ago. I wasn't offended so much by the content (Jesus with a boner, Jesus gay) as the artistic quality of the cartoons. I was reminded of the controversy over those Danish Mohammed cartoons. I thought the most insulting thing about them was that they were so poorly drawn and lacked any sort of editorial insight. The same can be said for the cartoons of Jesus in the Insurgent. So Mohammed has a bomb in his (Indian style) turban. How is that even remotely called "satire?" Likewise, the depiction of a crucified Jesus with a boner doesn't cause me to think or question my beliefs. This may be a good time for me to mention that I'm not religious (hence the use of "of Nazareth" opposed to "Christ" which is the Anglicized word for "christos" or "savior" in Greek) and so can look at each of these subjects through non-defensive eyes.

Last year there was a similar brouhaha (sp? again) concerning a Libertarian student newspaper called "The Oregon Commentator." They singled out a person named Toby, who self-identifies as genderless, as an object for ridicule and potentially violent acts. Unfortunately, the Commentator has their back issues in .pdf format so it isn't easy to find the exact quote. Following the statements, Toby led a crusade to defund the Commentator. Many left-leaning people jumped on the "hate speach" bandwagon calling for the Commentator's cancellation. I happened to be taking an ethics class at the time in which we were required to write an essay taking a stand on the debate. Through much research and critical analysis, I came down on the side of the Commentator. Not because I agree with what they said, which was an intentional provocation, but because I believe in the ideal of free speech. Commentator critics said that the university should revoke their funding due to their unapologetic hate speech. Funding was retained because support of student publications must remain content neutral. Luckily, the correct decision was made and the Commentator's funding remained.

Back to the present controversy. So many of the type of people who defended the Commentator now condemn the Insurgent. To their (probably cynical) credit, the Commentator defends the Insurgent. But the Commentator issue is now beside the point. Other people who probably (and this is an assumption on my part) defended the Commentator and the Danish cartoons are now coming down hard against the Insurgent. Lest you think I am projecting, take a look at what Bill O'Reilly had to say about the Muhammed cartoons and what he has to say about the Jesus cartoons.

I Wish...

...I wish life was a simple thing. I don't claim any special intelligence, but I envy people who can see the world in black and white. I've tried different methods of finding a way to turn off my brain but so far nothing's worked out too well. I watched the movie "Jarhead" today. I found myself thinking that I would like to live a structured military life, one in which people tell me what to do and what to think. And I get physical strength and self confidence. I even went to different military websites tonight. I don't think that I'm a military type of person but structure is attractive. How can I give myself structure in my own life?

Laundry

For what seems like the thousandth time (but is more like the eighth) the laundry facilities in my apartment building don't work. And every time they break, they seem to get even worse. I'm tired of not being able to rely on the provided facilities to get my clothes clean. I don't have a car so it isn't like going to a laundromat is the easiest of options. I guess if I had to I could just walk there but dammit, the point is that if they provide a washer and dryer for the apartments, they should make sure they work. And if they don't work, they should be right on the ball to fix them. I fucking hate Bell Realty. They are completely unresponsive to tenants' needs. I had to sign a huge stack of paperwork and initial each restrictive clause in my rental agreement but when it comes to their responsibilites to me they seem to have better things to do. I guess that's what happens when the entire place is staffed by orange skinned, big haired high school dropouts.

When I moved into my apartment, my former property manager made a big deal about putting a lithium battery in the smoke detector. She said that it would last ten years or something like that. Then she said that I'd have to replace it with another lithium battery if the provided one ever expired. Well, not that long ago it did. Odd, I thought, but then when I looked at the battery it was all scratched up and obviously worn. Those motherfucking assholes gave me an old battery. That's so ridiculous. Bell Realty in Eugene is run by a bunch of crooks who don't care about tenants. I hate renting in a college town.

Oh...My...God!

You gotta go watch this video. It is perhaps the best thing I've ever seen.

Sitting Here With A Cup Of Coffee

Today is my second day of classes in the third term of my second year of school. Looking back on this year I'm not completely satisfied with anything that I've done but I've still succeeded.

We got our studio assignments yesterday. I think I'm going to like my teacher. He's worked all over the place and has only been teaching for a few years. The clue that made me think I'll like him is that he said that we are allowed to break the rules just as long as we are aware of what we are doing and have "a good reason." My teacher last year said basically the same thing, "have a damn good reason." It warmed my heart.

Today is my first day participating as a teacher's assistant. I'm one of many so it isn't really that big of a deal but it should still be pretty fun. I'm also going to take salsa 2. I'm really happy about that.

All in all, I'm excited about this term. Here we go!

A Post From a Different POV

Yeah, sure, I just wrote a post about personal things, but here's a post about political things...

 

I've been watching Fox News today because I don't have cable down in the Eugene. And here's what I think about their poop: Fox News is the mouthpiece of the Republican party. Obviously if you already agree with me you are saying something like, "that's right," but if you don't already agree with me, you are thinking, if not saying something like, "bullshit."

But here's the thing, our country is no longer a simple nation state. Starting with the Spanish/American War, we began our seemingly inevitable slide toward empire. World War I proved that we are a power in the world and World War II gave us our empire.

I had an argument with my dad earlier today, I asserted that World War II was not a just war, but rather a war of empire. We didn't come to a conclusion in our debate. My dad believes that World War II was a just war. I don't. I went to a Catholic high school. When I was there I had to take a class called "Peace and Justice." There they taught me about the School of the Americas and Liberation Theology. They also taught me about how, since the Vietnam War, our nation has had an all volunteer military, "AVF" as far as I understand it is called; "All Volunteer Force."

Unfortunately what they taught us about...the ALL VOLUNTEER FORCE is a farce. It is a poverty draft. The military is marketed to people who want to earn a living. In fact, this evening I was watching Comedy Central and there was a Navy commercial in which a man talked about how he wanted to start a business...there was some other stuff...then low and behold, he had a business...with skyscrapers in the background. Even if that very man owns a business, as he claims, I'll bet you one hundred dollars it isn't in those buildings behind him.

This isn't an anti-military screed. No, this is an anti-system screed. I don't think the military is wrong, rather, I think the poverty draft is wrong. I think it is wrong that the decision makers in this nation don't have to even pretend to sacrifice their children. I don't pretend that this is, or ever has been, a nation of altruism, but back in the time when we had a draft, at least everyone could anticipate serving. Now though, I know I'm not going to serve. And you know you aren't going to serve. My sister doesn't have to work in a war factory, nor does my mother.

So, aside from a select few, out citizenry is divorced from the war effort. We don't have to put our lives on the line. Our friends don't have to put their lives on the line. But someone has to fight. Someone has to die. It is our nation's poor.

We put commercials on the television that appeal to people's self interest. You can get skills for your future, etc. I don't deny that is true. I'm one hundred percent sure that people who join and serve our nation's militarty get skills. But is it right to advertise an inherently selfless institution to peoples' selfish interests? I assert that it isn't.

I think that we need to reinstitute the draft, but with the added option of civil service. In my America, you have the option of serving in the military for one year or in the civil service for two years. I'm sure most people will choose the civil service at this point in time. I don't think that is because most people are inherently unpatriotic, rather that most people understand that we are up to our necks in middle eastern shit. Once we finally realize it isn't in our interest to fight over there, we'll all be better off.

I have a cousin who is in the AFROTC and on his mission right now. A year or so ago we were talking and he said that he hoped we'd be out of Iraq by the time he is in active duty. I hope we are too. But I don't believe that we'll be done with the ramifications from Iraq.

I think the most important thing to remember about our so called "War on Terrorism" is that it is a political struggle. They aren't evil. We aren't righteous. It is a war just like any other.

War has always been political.

Even when people hijack airplanes and ram them into our skyscrapers, it is still political. The people we are fighting against are people, not the devil. That is extraordinarily important to remember.

btw...

...this is me. The ugly old lady isn't a joke, it really is me:

Spriiiiiinggg BRRRREEEaaaAAAKK!kkk!!!!!

Anyway, despite the headline, I'm having a mundane and boring spring break. I don't think that's such a bad thing.

But I've been thinking over the past day that it is true what "they" say, "you can't go home again." Here's the thing, I love my city. Portland, Oregon is probably one of the best places in the world, let alone the United States. But here's the other thing, even though I grew up here and I love this city, it doesn't feel like home any longer. I don't know if it is because my mother (with whom I'm staying) lives outside of downtown (not the suburbs, just not downtown) or if I just can't see the people who I care about. It seems like every time I come to this city I'm dogsitting or catsitting or something that prevents me from living it up.

But then, here's something I've been thinking about today and always; maybe I just don't have that much of a group here. Sure, I have friends and family, but I'm not 100% sure that they want me here. I don't mean to suggest that they don't like me or they don't love me but every time I come back here I feel completely isolated. Sure, I have my sister, my mom, and my dad. I have my ex, but what after that? It isn't like they ever call me. I call them. I call my sister and she never calls me back. I call my mom and, God bless her, she calls me back; but she's my mom. God help us all if she didn't. And my dad is on his shit. I love my dad and I'm really happy he calls me but I have a horrible feeling it is because of guilt that he doesn't have the money to put me through school.

This is one of those blog entries that I don't want to be accountable for. I'm just venting. I'm venting because I'm at my mom's house and I'm dogsitting. I'm venting because I used to love Portland and now I don't even know where I stand here. I'm venting because, like someone says, "you can't go home again."

I'm venting because I'm a whiny college student. I can't stand the status quo. I don't like to be alone (which I am, right now).

I don't like to be out of my comfort zone...

...but I never imagined that I'd be out of my comfort zone in the room in which I used to sleep.

A Bit of a Review

I'm sitting at my computer and drinking a cup of coffee. Mmmm...I love coffee. Later today I have my final final after which time I'll be free from responsibility for a short time. I don't particularly care to be free from responsibility. Next week I'm going to work at the glass factory in Portland for four days. That will be good, I guess.

Yesterday (Wednesday) I had a group presentation for my environmental control systems class. We had to do a research project. I'm not particularly proud of it, but at least I got to draw a few pictures of cavemen for it. That's something. (I'm trying to upload a caveman drawing but blogger's being a jerk.)

Tuesday I went to go see "V for Vendetta." I'd read the comics a few years ago and the movie seemed to generally follow along pretty well. I think the end wasn't quite the same but it was basically a pretty good representation of the comics and even more importantly, the ideas in the comics. I could have used a little more killing of bad guys, but hey, I like to see bad guys get theirs.

Monday nothing happened.

Sunday nothing happened.

Saturday I went to see "Why We Fight." It is a very good movie, Roger Ebert accuses it of preaching to the choir but I don't care. I think if people don't agree with it they should see it too and watch it with open minds. Perhaps they'll see something that causes them to think critically about American militarism. We need to think and people need to know that this isn't the only way.

Friday I drank a lot of green beer. That was pretty fun.

I've got four hours until my final exam. I think I should study at least a bit. We'll see.

Do you ever?

Do you ever look in the mirror and say to yourself outloud, "Goddamn, I'm hot"? Well, I just did, and let me tell you, it feels good.

Oh, and, Goddamn, I really am hot.

Happy St. Patrick`s Day.

Finland

Looks like I'm going to be going to study abroad this summer in Finland. I've gotta make this quick but I just have to say that I'm really damn excited. I think my feelings can best be summed up in the words of Monty Python:

Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I want to be,
Pony trekking or camping,
Or just watching TV.
Finland, Finland, Finland.
It's the country for me.

You're so near to Russia,
So far from Japan,
Quite a long way from Cairo,
Lots of miles from Vietnam.

Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I want to be,
Eating breakfast or dinner,
Or snack lunch in the hall.
Finland, Finland, Finland.
Finland has it all.

You're so sadly neglected
And often ignored,
A poor second to Belgium,
When going abroad.

Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I quite want to be,
Your mountains so lofty,
Your treetops so tall.
Finland, Finland, Finland.
Finland has it all.

Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I quite want to be,
Your mountains so lofty,
Your treetops so tall.
Finland, Finland, Finland.
Finland has it all.
Finland has it all.

Such a powerful song. Tears well up in my eyes whenever I hear it. Excuse me.

Someone smashed the sign for my management company. i wish i could say i were sorry.

Monthly Posting Time

I only like to post about once a month. But sometimes I like to post even less frequently than that. At this rate, I'm going the once a month route. Who knows, maybe I'll up it soon. It isn't really like I have a whole lot going on these days. But I do have a lot on my mind.

For the past month or so, I've been going to weekly therapy sessions. They are helpful and good but I sometimes feel as if I'm holding my hand over a flame...pain for no good reason. Unlike untargeted self-inflicted pain, the pain that comes from counseling sessions has some sort of ultimate purpose. I wonder what that purpose is. There are vague promises of being a better functioning person but I have to take that on faith. Faith in myself. A difficult concept for me to grasp but I'm working on it.

Yesterday I stupidly went to a website with messageboards about my aunt. I do this every once in a while. I guess the last time I did it was a couple of years ago. It isn't something I enjoy doing but I confess that I have a sick fascination with the people who have a sick fascination with the whole thing. Until the first time I hit one of these boards, I could never have imagined the hate and vitriol that people can hold. I want to tell these people to get a life and let the dead have their peace. It has been something like 16 years and people are still writing daily on these web forums. I can't imagine what would drive someone to that. Especially since the things people write are so hateful. 16 years, you fucking losers. So many of those people are fond of saying that you reap what you sow. I have something to say to them, if it's true that you reap what you sow, you are fucked.

That Time Again

So...Sunday is my birthday. I'm going to be 26 years young. I'm starting to get a little freaked out about my age. Not a lot, but certainly some. Last birthday was a quarter century which is a pretty big milestone. And now I'm working on my second quarter century. That's a bit on the weird side, especially since I'm still the same person I've been since I was a lad. When I was a mere lad, I remember thinking that old people were just old people. Now I'm starting to realize that old people actually used to be young. Like me! Intellectually this isn't a great stretch, but people don't generally freak out about things that they rationally analyze. No, freaking out about age is a purely emotional endeavor.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!

Rain Rain Rain Rain Rain Rain Rain

I'm not one who normally likes to complain about the rain. Heat, yes. Cold, most likely. But rain, hell no. I'm an Oregonian, we are supposed to have webbed feet or something like that. For the last three days though it has been raining pretty much nonstop. I think it stopped a couple of times on Sunday but it is now Wednesday. It is like a monsoon or something. I actually don't mind the rain all that much but I have to walk around everywhere so that pretty much sucks. But it is pretty, I have to admit.

School started back up on Monday. There's quite a gap in my bloggerness but I never really felt like writing during the break. The break was great, by the way. I think it was my best break since I've been in school. I've determined that this year is going to be a great year. I'm starting to talk like my mom a bit. When I was younger I thought that the way she talked about things was kind of wacky but I'm starting to see the value in it. The idea of talking about things that you want at first seems stupid. Surely talking about something won't make it more likely. But I think that it works. I've been telling myself that I'm going to have good things and so far good things are happening. Mostly though, I think it is that my outlook is different. In fact, the things are pretty much all the same. It is my perception of those things that is changing. And that is a positive development.

This term in school I don't have design studio. I'm excited about that. Studio is great but it is extraordinarily stressful. I'm taking a couple of architecture classes, a philosophy class, and most interestingly a salsa dancing class. I went last night for the first time and all I can do now is the count in my head, 1 2 3 . 5 6 7 . over and over again. I'm happy that I'm trying something I wouldn't normally do and so far I'm enjoying it. I feel bad though because my hands get all sweaty. I should figure out some sort of sweaty hands remedy. Chalk, maybe?