WGS

I just got home from my women/gender studies class. I swear, I could take that class all day. It is amazing how many things that we take for granted in our everyday lives that can be so easily refuted, like gender identity. I'd never thought much about why there are different gender identities, only that there are. Although I wouldn't consider myself on the extremely conservative end of the spectrum (accepting gender identities as natural) I am surprised at how many gender roles I've accepted at face value. For example, the idea of masculinity versus femininity. That concept is a societal construction, one only need look at history for evidence. Gender roles have changed over time and they continue to change. Not long ago, there was no such thing as marital rape, women outside of marriage were considered somehow deficient, and women could only do jobs like secretary. Not to mention the fact that women couldn't vote in the entire USA until 1920.

One of the best parts of the class is the focus on power structures and how privilege affects how people act and are treated in society. There are many different kinds of privilege but suffice it to say that I (white, heterosexual, male) fit the bill of privileged pretty much to a T. This is something I've been concious of for a long time, but it isn't really something that I've liked to think about. I get uncomfortable with the idea that I, just by virtue of what I am, have advantages over other people. I, like most of us, like to think that the only reason I am where I am is because I earned it for myself. And that is partially true, I make choices, I have free will, but everything we do is circumscribed by the society in which we live. We live by the rules of our culture, and my culture happens to say that I get a head start and the wind at my back. As someone who is privileged, I have to live my life with that in my head. I don't think that is such a bad thing, but the trick is not to obsess over or to apologize for it. Just to be concious of it.

Today we talked a little bit about different sexual identities, homo, hetero, bi, etc. I was surprised when I expressed the thought to the class that everyone has some capacity in them for hetero and homosexual activities, but that doesn't make someone necessarily straight or gay. Within the context of the class, that isn't really much of a revelation, but in a society in which we are trying to delegitimize homosexual relationships it is radical. I don't understand why it has to be. To recognize that our sexual proclivities need not be only one way or another should be a liberating experience, but people, almost all people, get scared by that. We define ourselves so much by our sexual preferences that we can't bare the thought of them being flexible. I confess, I'm pretty uncomfortable with the idea when I apply it to myself personally. I don't consider myself sexually attracted to men. But then I have to do what I've done with broader ideas and ask myself why? I don't know. I guess I could say that society has told me that being "gay" is bad. And it has. Society has told me that being straight is good. But how do I determine whether or not I really am that? I don't know, except I think I am. I am attracted to women. They make me feel funny. Men don't have that type of appeal for me. I think they don't, not just for physical reasons, though there is that, but for social and emotional reasons.

I'm not generally attracted to men for friendships because men can often be too concerned with being manly and putting up appearances. Of course, women do this too, but I don't find myself interacting much with those types. For whatever reason, either because men are more prone to it, or I am more prone to sniffing it out, men seem to be overly concerned with a facade of masculinity. And masculity often means needless competition which I can't stand. I'm not friends with people so I can figure out how to best them, I'm friends with them because I like them and I want to be around them. My friends make me better and I, hopefully, make them better. Consequently, I have very few friends. I've tried having more superficial relationships with people, and it just doesn't work for me. I tried going to a photography meetup a couple of times in Portland. I went with my friend and while we both had an alright time, the more I thought about the meetings after the fact, the madder I got. The theory behind something like that is for like minded people to come together and befriend each other. It doesn't work like that for me. The way I see it, photography is a superficial interest that I have, but doesn't necessarily reach to my core as a person. I've always felt this way. I was almost always the loner on sports teams that I was on. These were supposed to be places where we would surrender ourselves to the good of the group and I couldn't do it. I wasn't really concious of it at the time, I just thought I was a loser, but I am actually happy I am that way. This type of attitude leads to times of sadness but then again, so does everything. I can barely stand being in a group of people with whom I have little connection with. I can barely stand small talk. I guess you could say that I'm antisocial. I wouldn't necessarily shy away from that characterization. But I would add the caveat that that doesn't mean I don't like people, it just means that I like very few people. I'm against the social system that we have, so yes, in that way I am antisocial. I like people for their unique qualities, not their facades. Saying that probably makes me sound like I think I'm superior. Well, who cares? I don't think that I'm superior, just different than social norms.

How's that for a blog entry? Wow, I'm amazed and embarrassed but I stand by it mostly. If anything, it is how I feel right now. I don't know if I'll always feel this way. That's the great part about a discussion.