I'll Try to Stay Positive

I have a tendancy to get bogged down and start focusing on lots of negatives in my life and the world. The last week has been particularly tough in that sense. So I'm going to try and stop focusing on those things by making a list of things that I'm happy about.

Matt's Happy List:

• I am studying architecture, the thing that I most want to do.
• I have my own apartment where I can feel at home.
• I have a great family and great friends.
• I'm doing well in school.
• I am employed.
• I'm healthy.
• I can think critically.

OK, this isn't working right now. I just feel like shit. School is going really well for me, that is true. And I really do like what I am studying. I think it is a great fit. But I'm tired right now. I'm sick of my schedule. I go to class in the morning and afternoon, then I have some time off before I have to go to work. That is it. Then on the weekends I work from mid morning to early afternoon. So I don't really have much time to sleep in. I am definitely sleep deprived. I'm sick of not being around my family and friends, more like friend, really. This is a problem, especially since my friend is also my former girlfriend. And I'm not completely over that situation yet. I know that the only way I can be is to just move on and I am moving on. But the fact is that I'm not interested in having a girlfriend right now so that leaves just a little window of unresolved feelings there. That is a peripheral issue. My main issue is that I'm lonely, a common problem in people who are just getting into school and away from their comfort zones. I have attended school before, but the loneliness that I'm feeling was with me before and was a large driving force in my decision to pack up and move back to Portland. That isn't going to happen this time. I need to figure out a way to cope with this. I'm not the most social person in the world and have a hard time really connecting with people. If I don't want to feel so lonely though, the only way to do that is to change certain ways that I see the world. I need to be able to let go of the fact that I'm not around the people I'm closest to. It is a fact that I am away from them. I can change it by quitting school and moving back to Portland. That isn't going to happen so...I have to deal with it, not dwell on it. I also have to accept the fact that my relationship with my former girlfriend has to change. We don't have the same relationship that we used to. That is a fact. The situation can't be changed so I must learn to accept it. The one thing that I do have complete control over is my social life here. I have the power to meet people and make friends. I've done this a little bit in classes and in very small ways outside of classes. I don't know why but I have a great aversion to asking people if they want to spend time together socially. I need to just ask someone who I like if they are interested in hanging out with me. The funny part is that to me asking if someone wants to hang out with me can be just as hard if not harder than asking if someone wants to go on a date with me. When I step back there isn't anything difficult about either of those activities. My biggest problem is what I'm doing right now, overanalyzing everything. I don't, but I should, just do things without thinking about them so much.

On that note, I need to get ready to go to work. I am learning to be self reliant. Self reliance is good but it is a pain in my ass.