This Week Kicked My Ass

I have been super busy this week. Luckily I have a short reprieve for the Thanksgiving holiday but unluckily I have a few things due right after. So it'll be a nice time but not free of the hand of school work. That's ok, because school is my main priority right now.

In my gender studies class the other day we were having a discussion about welfare. I won't get into the meat of the subject but at some point I had to chime in and say that I felt we were, as a class, dehumanizing poor people and that everyone, no matter what their situation, has free will. Notice that I didn't say that people choose to be oppressed, raped, poor, etc. But next thing you know, that's the general point of view on my comment. To be fair, I think a lot of people agreed with me, but there was a lot of opposition to what I said. I didn't think I said anything controversial in asserting everyone's common humanity, but I guess I did. It exposed something that I've always found about extremists on either end of the spectrum (for these purposes the spectrum is a single line) who are so driven by ideology that they fail to examine reality. When I said that poor minorities have choice, I certainly didn't mean that they choose to be victimized by our society. I meant that within the circumstances that are beyond their control, they still have choices. That's it. Suddenly I'm a sexist racist. I actually believe that welfare for single mothers should be liberalized and that the 1996 welfare reform law was regressive, but to some I'm no better than people who decry "welfare queens" and think that welfare should be eliminated. I realized something though, I also have free will, and I refuse to debate with people who will not examine the ideas they hold. And I really refuse to debate people who dehumanize the people they supposedly wish to help. I'm thinking of one person in particular. You probably don't know her. She's in my class. I don't know her either, but she's an ideologue. To the majority of the class's credit though, they understood what I was saying.

Ideas are important, but when they cross the line to become unchangeable facts, that is what is dangerous to the world. As long as there is a dialog with a recognition that we are all people things are generally ok. Once we stop thinking of each other as people but mere support for ideas, that is when bad things happen. Do-gooders who assume some sort of superiority over the people they are trying to help make me angry.

I Stumbled Upon the Solution

I was randomly clicking around the web when I stumbled upon the solution to the current political problems.

Foggy

It was really foggy the other morning. Here's a view of the library from across the quad. Spooky!

I've had a very nice weekend, of course, it isn't over yet, but I have to go to work soon and then do lots of homework after that so really, it kind of is over. After work yesterday I ran home (not getting easier yet) and watched the second half of the Oregon football game. They lost. Oh well, there's always next year. Or maybe the year after. Then I got a frozen cheese pizza and augmented it with a few of my favorite toppings. It went from drab to delicious. And I watched the second half of the second season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. It was good but not as good as the first season. I wanted to rent "My Architect" but it hasn't come out on dvd/vhs yet and then I wanted to rent "Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill" but that was out. Things to look forward to for next weekend, maybe.

Today's plan:

• Work
• Shower after work
• Work on architecture paper for a long time
• Feel good about myself
• Throw something together for dinner
• Zone out on Sunday TV
• Feel a little guilty for sitting on my ass
• Forgive myself
• Go to bed

I Should Be Working

I should be working harder on a paper I'm writing. I'm not concerned. I will get it done. The paper if for architecture 201 (intro to architecture) and is an analysis of the Musée d'Orsay in Paris. It is a giant building with a whole lot going on. I have my work cut out for me but I'm really excited. This weekend will see a large chunk get done. That's my mission both today and tomorrow.

Another Week Down

Wow, this time is going so quickly. I'm amazed at how the term is just zooming by. But that is ok. I'm looking forward to the winter break as a time to regroup a bit. I'm also really looking forward to next term because I'll be taking some more intensive architecture courses. I just need to figure out some good electives. I talked to my counselor and he suggested I take classes that have to do with the physical world like geography, history, anthropology, stuff like that. Sounds good to me.

On another note, I've been feeling down lately, as I've recently written. I've been noticing that I've been spending a lot of time sitting down in front of the computer. I need to break away a bit. I have been for the past couple of days. I've been doing pushups, crunches as well as running to and from work. I'm sore but I actually feel really damn good. I hope I can keep this up. I think I'll check out the rec center over on campus and see what there is. I need to get a workout system going so I don't go insane. Plus, I need to stay sexy.

I'm A Sophomore

I'm a sophomore, I have 52 credits. I've also got a 3.18 cumulative gpa which is dragged way down by a D that I got six years ago. Oh well. The good thing is that I'm going to talk to my academic advisor and get some more of these general education requirements out of the way. General ed requirements can eat it. But the good thing is that I seem to be doing well on the long road to my degree. That is good.

Buy This Shirt

Buy this shirt! Unless you like W, then don't buy it. Do whatever it is you want. I think you should buy the shirt though. Just my opinion.

Rusty

I think Rusty, my cat, isn't very happy here anymore. But I'm so used to her and her *ahem* idiosyncracies that I'm not 100% sure if she is unhappy or just being strange little self. I don't know if that makes sense. My problem is that my schedule is herky jerky, I'm home for short stints throughout the day but not for long stretches of time. I can't tell if this is bothering her or not. She seems somewhat accustomed to being by herself, something that she's had to learn. But when I get home she practically mauls me, like I'm Calvin and she's Hobbes, except I'm not as self important as Calvin. OK, that's not true, but she isn't as funny as Hobbes. I think I may have to give her back to the cat lady from whom she came. That makes me sad.

I'll Try to Stay Positive

I have a tendancy to get bogged down and start focusing on lots of negatives in my life and the world. The last week has been particularly tough in that sense. So I'm going to try and stop focusing on those things by making a list of things that I'm happy about.

Matt's Happy List:

• I am studying architecture, the thing that I most want to do.
• I have my own apartment where I can feel at home.
• I have a great family and great friends.
• I'm doing well in school.
• I am employed.
• I'm healthy.
• I can think critically.

OK, this isn't working right now. I just feel like shit. School is going really well for me, that is true. And I really do like what I am studying. I think it is a great fit. But I'm tired right now. I'm sick of my schedule. I go to class in the morning and afternoon, then I have some time off before I have to go to work. That is it. Then on the weekends I work from mid morning to early afternoon. So I don't really have much time to sleep in. I am definitely sleep deprived. I'm sick of not being around my family and friends, more like friend, really. This is a problem, especially since my friend is also my former girlfriend. And I'm not completely over that situation yet. I know that the only way I can be is to just move on and I am moving on. But the fact is that I'm not interested in having a girlfriend right now so that leaves just a little window of unresolved feelings there. That is a peripheral issue. My main issue is that I'm lonely, a common problem in people who are just getting into school and away from their comfort zones. I have attended school before, but the loneliness that I'm feeling was with me before and was a large driving force in my decision to pack up and move back to Portland. That isn't going to happen this time. I need to figure out a way to cope with this. I'm not the most social person in the world and have a hard time really connecting with people. If I don't want to feel so lonely though, the only way to do that is to change certain ways that I see the world. I need to be able to let go of the fact that I'm not around the people I'm closest to. It is a fact that I am away from them. I can change it by quitting school and moving back to Portland. That isn't going to happen so...I have to deal with it, not dwell on it. I also have to accept the fact that my relationship with my former girlfriend has to change. We don't have the same relationship that we used to. That is a fact. The situation can't be changed so I must learn to accept it. The one thing that I do have complete control over is my social life here. I have the power to meet people and make friends. I've done this a little bit in classes and in very small ways outside of classes. I don't know why but I have a great aversion to asking people if they want to spend time together socially. I need to just ask someone who I like if they are interested in hanging out with me. The funny part is that to me asking if someone wants to hang out with me can be just as hard if not harder than asking if someone wants to go on a date with me. When I step back there isn't anything difficult about either of those activities. My biggest problem is what I'm doing right now, overanalyzing everything. I don't, but I should, just do things without thinking about them so much.

On that note, I need to get ready to go to work. I am learning to be self reliant. Self reliance is good but it is a pain in my ass.

Election Blues

I'm definitely not happy about the election outcome. I've been paying too much attention to the aftermath and something that is really bothering me about what people say is that the Democrats need to pay more attention to "moral values" and the people in the south and midwest. I understand what they are saying but I seriously disagree. I think this country is way too divided for that. If I get called (by association) a cultural elitist one more time I think I'm going to scream. If believing in equal rights for all people in this country is elitism, so be it. But there is no way I am going to compromise my values so someone in the south can get their way. Just none. So much handwringing is going on, why are we losing the south and midwest? The Democrats are losing the south for the same reason they lost the south after the civil rights act was passed, because the overwhelming feeling there is one of intolerance, in this case manifested as intolerance of homosexuality and abortion. To these people, moral values is a socially acceptable way of saying bigotry. I'm not sure the divides that caused the civil war are healed and I seriously doubt that Bush is going to make any moves in that direction.

Oh, one more thing. Why are Democrats and liberals called elitists for not speaking to the "heartland" and the people in the south and midwest not intolerant of outsiders? The Democrats haven't been able to elect a president since Kennedy from outside the south who wasn't an evangelical Christian. Why isn't that being addressed as a problem? Is it because they just won power? I think so. Well, I'm going to fight them. I don't have any interest in fighting them other than self preservation. They don't like people like me. To them I'm an outsider, an elitist. They are projecting.

As I said, I don't believe the civil war ever really ended. I don't want more violence but this system that allows geographic oppression fans the flames of these disputes. I don't feel like I live in the same country as they do, and who knows, maybe soon this won't be the same country. I can think of worse things.