A Good Quote

I just found a quote I really like by Charles Eames, "I don't remember being forced to accept compromises, but I've willingly accepted constraints."

Very cool.

Friday is Friday

Today was a busy day for a while, now I've got some time until I have to be at work. I'm getting pretty good at managing my time which is paying off very well for me. I had my architecture project due today but also math and programming homework. I was able to get my architecture work done first, then math and programming between classes. Those things are easier to crank out than building designs, no matter how basic they may be. I figured out that someone in my math class is also in architecture so I'll probably start talking more to her. That could be an addition to my associates, which is pretty much what I have right now. And who knows, maybe one of these days someone will actually turn into a friend. To me, a friend is kind of a big deal so it takes a while.

I feel kind of yucky, I think it may be something I ate. I made a tuna sandwich for lunch that I thought tasted a bit weird. I guess I'll have to wait and see if I get botulism. Hopefully I won't because these are pretty pathetic last words.

More WGS

Today we had a midwife talk about childbirth in class. It was interesting, but the thing I found the most pertinent is that she doesn't carry any type of malpractice insurance and doesn't believe that tort reform will stop the outrageous insurance rates that OG/GYN's pay. She thinks that insurance companies are the problem and regulations should be placed on them.

I liken the idea that lawyers are responsible for high malpractice insurance to that which says that cutting taxes for the rich will cause the poor to be better off. In other words, BS.

Look at me, I'm a (fake) architect!

This is a three dimensional (of sorts) sketch of my first ever building design. Note the poor quality of my ideas and rendering. Boy, I know they aren't expecting the Guggenheim Museum or anything, but I have to admit, I am nervous about this. This isn't the final project, just a rendering to get things straight in my mind. I think it is about right. Now I just need to finalize it.

WGS

I just got home from my women/gender studies class. I swear, I could take that class all day. It is amazing how many things that we take for granted in our everyday lives that can be so easily refuted, like gender identity. I'd never thought much about why there are different gender identities, only that there are. Although I wouldn't consider myself on the extremely conservative end of the spectrum (accepting gender identities as natural) I am surprised at how many gender roles I've accepted at face value. For example, the idea of masculinity versus femininity. That concept is a societal construction, one only need look at history for evidence. Gender roles have changed over time and they continue to change. Not long ago, there was no such thing as marital rape, women outside of marriage were considered somehow deficient, and women could only do jobs like secretary. Not to mention the fact that women couldn't vote in the entire USA until 1920.

One of the best parts of the class is the focus on power structures and how privilege affects how people act and are treated in society. There are many different kinds of privilege but suffice it to say that I (white, heterosexual, male) fit the bill of privileged pretty much to a T. This is something I've been concious of for a long time, but it isn't really something that I've liked to think about. I get uncomfortable with the idea that I, just by virtue of what I am, have advantages over other people. I, like most of us, like to think that the only reason I am where I am is because I earned it for myself. And that is partially true, I make choices, I have free will, but everything we do is circumscribed by the society in which we live. We live by the rules of our culture, and my culture happens to say that I get a head start and the wind at my back. As someone who is privileged, I have to live my life with that in my head. I don't think that is such a bad thing, but the trick is not to obsess over or to apologize for it. Just to be concious of it.

Today we talked a little bit about different sexual identities, homo, hetero, bi, etc. I was surprised when I expressed the thought to the class that everyone has some capacity in them for hetero and homosexual activities, but that doesn't make someone necessarily straight or gay. Within the context of the class, that isn't really much of a revelation, but in a society in which we are trying to delegitimize homosexual relationships it is radical. I don't understand why it has to be. To recognize that our sexual proclivities need not be only one way or another should be a liberating experience, but people, almost all people, get scared by that. We define ourselves so much by our sexual preferences that we can't bare the thought of them being flexible. I confess, I'm pretty uncomfortable with the idea when I apply it to myself personally. I don't consider myself sexually attracted to men. But then I have to do what I've done with broader ideas and ask myself why? I don't know. I guess I could say that society has told me that being "gay" is bad. And it has. Society has told me that being straight is good. But how do I determine whether or not I really am that? I don't know, except I think I am. I am attracted to women. They make me feel funny. Men don't have that type of appeal for me. I think they don't, not just for physical reasons, though there is that, but for social and emotional reasons.

I'm not generally attracted to men for friendships because men can often be too concerned with being manly and putting up appearances. Of course, women do this too, but I don't find myself interacting much with those types. For whatever reason, either because men are more prone to it, or I am more prone to sniffing it out, men seem to be overly concerned with a facade of masculinity. And masculity often means needless competition which I can't stand. I'm not friends with people so I can figure out how to best them, I'm friends with them because I like them and I want to be around them. My friends make me better and I, hopefully, make them better. Consequently, I have very few friends. I've tried having more superficial relationships with people, and it just doesn't work for me. I tried going to a photography meetup a couple of times in Portland. I went with my friend and while we both had an alright time, the more I thought about the meetings after the fact, the madder I got. The theory behind something like that is for like minded people to come together and befriend each other. It doesn't work like that for me. The way I see it, photography is a superficial interest that I have, but doesn't necessarily reach to my core as a person. I've always felt this way. I was almost always the loner on sports teams that I was on. These were supposed to be places where we would surrender ourselves to the good of the group and I couldn't do it. I wasn't really concious of it at the time, I just thought I was a loser, but I am actually happy I am that way. This type of attitude leads to times of sadness but then again, so does everything. I can barely stand being in a group of people with whom I have little connection with. I can barely stand small talk. I guess you could say that I'm antisocial. I wouldn't necessarily shy away from that characterization. But I would add the caveat that that doesn't mean I don't like people, it just means that I like very few people. I'm against the social system that we have, so yes, in that way I am antisocial. I like people for their unique qualities, not their facades. Saying that probably makes me sound like I think I'm superior. Well, who cares? I don't think that I'm superior, just different than social norms.

How's that for a blog entry? Wow, I'm amazed and embarrassed but I stand by it mostly. If anything, it is how I feel right now. I don't know if I'll always feel this way. That's the great part about a discussion.

Memories

<song="Memories from Cats">Bye bye, little guy. We've had some good times. Have fun wherever you go.</song>

PS -- No cracks about me having a double chin. It must be a trick of the light. Or maybe it is because it is a close up and the camera adds 10 pounds it all went to my chin. Yeah, I like that.

Tuesday

Things are going pretty well for me today. I skipped math because I didn't feel like going without taking a shower and I didn't feel like taking a shower before I went. That kind of air tight logic has allowed me to sit in front of my computer all morning doing "research." I love doing research. On all kinds of stuff. Theoretically, doing so much reading online will make me more informed and articulate, but I think the reality is that web surfing is much like channel surfing. A big waste of time with very little retention. Oh well.

This cat situation hasn't been working out and the new one has to go back to the cat lady I from whom I got him. That makes me sad and leads me to the next problem which is what to do with Rusty. After a lot of debate with myself and others (you know who you are) and even crying (yes, I'm a wuss) I've decided that I need to give her up. I am in architecture school and it is going to get really intense soon. I'm going to have to spend all my free time in studio and it just will not be possible to give Rusty the attention that she'll need. I feel bad, but I do think that this will be the best solution in the long run.

By the way, yesterday I got my first project back from my introduction to architecture class. I got top marks on all aspects of both the paper and accomanying illustration. Booya! I mean, I knew I was smart, but damn. OK, ignore that last sentence, I know that things are going to get really really hard soon. As an architecture graduate student told me, I need to enjoy the peace while I can because things get insane. I'm a bit scared but really excited. That just reaffirms to me that I should be doing this program. It is a good fit for me.

Just Stuff

I got back a math quiz I took on Friday. I got 75%. And I studied and did all my homework and actually thought I aced it. Shit. I guess that just means that I need to try just that much harder. It makes me somewhat nervous about how I'm doing in the rest of my classes. I don't really care that much about my math grade in the long run, I just need to pass, but when I work really hard and the best I do is a C, what happens if I slack off just a bit? A D? Oh well, this is a required class and I just need to keep plugging away.

Now on to the cat thing. I've now had the new cat for about 24 hours. And even though I've done my best to deny it, my other cat, Rusty, is a fucking asshole. She attacks him whenever she gets the chance. I don't know if she is trying to dominate him or what, but he's quite a bit smaller than she is and instead of fighting her, he falls down and hisses. I do think that eventually he may be able to dominate her but I don't know if he'll be too scared of her by then. The best I can hope for is to make sure that they are separated when I'm not here and try to keep some sort of peace when I am home. I want to make sure I keep giving both cats attention and hope that Rusty's attacks don't make him too meek. He seems to be farely resilient. I am just playing mother hen and I'm sure it isn't as big a deal as I fear.

This is my new cat. I don't have a name for him yet but I've been calling him stupid. Also bastard. I hope I can do better.

IHT: Poland sets pullout from Iraq in 2005

You may recall that Bush kept hammering home the fact that Poland is a part of the "coalition of the willing" in Iraq. Turns out that Poland is now planning a pullout of their troops by the end of 2005. I wonder if Kerry will point this out. Maybe someone will ask a question about it during the town hall debate.

This Is Funny

Check this out. A large-ish file, but well worth it.

Ha ha

A Fox News "photo" from the debates. Fair and balanced?

Yuck!

Talking Points Memo: by Joshua Micah Marshall: September 26, 2004 - October 02, 2004 Archives

Take a look, it is funny but horrifying. And they say that Dan Rather is the problem.

Debate Talk

Rush Is Right: Expect Kerry to Break Rules, Media to Say Kerry Won Afterward

So I'm a sick person, I go to the Rush Limbaugh website and read his transcripts, but I find that it is a good way to learn what people on the far right are "thinking" when they are talking. But little pieces of truth have ways of coming out and biting people like Rush in the ass. At the end of the fifth paragraph Rush says:

I just don't think that in any kind of a 90 minute TV appearance that is broadcast nationally, I don't think for 90 minutes, you can hide who you are.

This is a point with which I agree, and it was apparent last night. It was apparent that the effort to distort who John Kerry is has been so effective that he doesn't even remotely resemble that charicature. Likewise, the effort to portray Bush as strong, resolute, and decisive has been so successful that he doesn't resemble it slightly.

Of course, Bush supporters are finding reasons for his defeat and none of them puts Bush at fault. It is either the media, the unfairness of Kerry, even Jim Lehrer. This shows that Bush supporters are buying into the hype more than ever before. It is a sick kind of hero worship where anything that the leader does wrong is the fault of some huge, nebulous conspiracy. I'm not comparing Bush to Hitler, I don't think he's that bad, but there is something vaguely Nazi-esque about the way the right wingers follow and idolize this man. If only they could get rid of the Arabs, gays, and liberals, then there would be a perfect society.

If Bush wins this election, I think it will be a symptom of a greater sickness in the United States. It will prove my fear that the majority of people in this country don't desire honest, complex answers to complex problems but rather crave simplistic easy answers so the problems just go away. It makes me ill. I wonder where this country could possibly be heading. The next four years could put us back on the right path or take us to disaster. You know where I stand.