I just woke up, sad that I have to take a quick shower and be instantly off to work. Then I checked my computer and it said the time is an hour earlier than I thought it was. Oh yeah, fall back! I've never had a better conversion from daylight savings to standard time in my whole life.
A friend of mine lists the following quote of mine as one of her favorites:
"Being a loser is great, but it also requires you to be a loner, or else you might become cool"
Can someone tell me what that means? Also, if it is clever, how did I get to be so?
I saw this picture in the newspaper the other and thought, "my God! We're putting Steve Zissou on trial. I mean, come on, putting Mr. Abdullah Kazim Ruwayyid, a Baath party official, in the same setting it is nearly impossible to tell him from Mr. Bill Murray:
Weird.
I got an email with this subject line: Re: Really Works Wonder Meddicaation. It is funny, I don't exactly remember sending anyone a message with that subject line which would have caused the "Re:" but hey, you can't argue with the body of the message. I went ahead and sent them my credit card number. I mean, can you imagine how healthy I'd be with a year's supply of Wonder Meddicaation? I can. Finally, something to get excited about, and this is guaranteed. Nothing can possibly go wrong.
I'm tired of living a life of detachment and apathy. Time to get back into caring about things.
School has finally hit. I'm wicked busy. I'm stressed out and it is starting to get ridiculous, but the funny thing is...this is exactly what I want. I may bitch and moan about how much work I have to do and how little life I have, and I'm not wrong when I do, but this is what I signed up for. I want to live my education. I want to be so wrapped up that I don't know which way is up. I want to internalize it so much so that I can't think anything but architecture.
I just wish I had a better studio instructor.
I have to get used to it.
But at least next week I'm going to start designing. Ahhhh...design. How I love you. I heart design.
Last night after classes were over, I met up with an old friend who I went to high school with and then lived with after for a while. It had been about three years since the last time we'd hung out. Three years sounds like a long time but for some reason I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that it has been that long. But it has. It is somewhat frightening to realize how quickly time can go by. I'm also frightened about the fact that in three years I have done very little. Sure, I've decided to go back to school and I've been successful in that endeavor but at the core, deep down, my life is about the same. And that's not really a good thing. Three years ago was one of the worst times in my life and putting it in terms of that much time I realize that I've been unbelievably preoccupied and holding myself back.
So what can I do? How can I move forward? I think I need to keep on doing what I'm doing. I went to a high school whose Latin motto was "Age quod agis" which they translated to "Do well whatever you do." I've heard, however, that it more accurately translates to "Do what you do." At first glance, that seems a less interesting translation but I think it is superior to the accepted translation. "Do what you do." Focus. Live your life. Don't get distracted. Don't live in the past or the future. Live now. Living now and not focusing on the past is something that I have a difficult time getting myself to do. I'm sure it is a function of my personality which is analytical and inwardly focused. I think that leads to these neverending loops of thought in my mind which tend to be negative. I can't seem to get myself to obsess about positive things. I'd rather not obsess at all. I think that partially why I obsess about negative things is that I like to solve problems. Rationally I know that not all problems have solutions but I'm often not rational, especially deep down.
I think the key to dealing with my obsessions is to live the motto "age quod agis," to focus on what's in front of me, and importantly to act as well as to analyze. Analysis is an important aspect of life but analysis without action is largely worthless. I must learn to know when I've thought about something enough and anymore would lead to diminishing returns. I've spent a lot of time thinking that my apartment is a mess but I somehow can't bring myself to clean it. That is a small example of my problem. I recognize a problem but instead of doing something about it I let it fester. That is going to be my focus. Convert the energy that I spend thinking and worrying about something into positive action. The best way to shutting my brain off for a little while isn't to watch tv or take a drink. The best way to shutting my brain off is action.
I'm already sick of school. I'm not loving what I'm doing. In fact, it almost feels like I'm doing nothing but I'm spending all day completely busy. I wake up, go to work, go to class, do school work and go to bed. I shouldn't have been expecting much else and realistically I wasn't. The main difference between my expectations and the reality of my school situation is that of interest. I'm busy as hell but I don't give a shit about anything that I'm doing. Blah. Just a hoop to jump through like so much else in this world.
